I had a dream about this last night and I woke up very sad and anxious, the dream felt so real. It was as if I was back in one of the darkest hours I had with chronic pain. So, I thought why not write about it.
I was living in Boulder, Colorado with some friends. I had dropped out of college at the time and was babysitting at the time. I was staying with my boyfriend at the time. He lived with about six other roommates and had the worst room in the house. It was gross and only had enough room for a mattress and his desk. It as definitely the party house of the street. I was partying with everyone non stop because mainly it took my physical pain away. Even when I was hung over the following day I could manage the pain. The hangovers were so bad that it made me think less of the pain. Plus everyone I was with was also hung over most days so could empathize with how I was feeling. If I talked about chronic pain, people usually thought I was exaggerating or possibly just crazy. But we could all relate to hang overs being in our late teens, early twenties living in one of the biggest party cities in America.
Anyways, we drank a lot together and it got me away from thinking about the pain and how no doctor or specialist could seem to help me. I came down with a serious sinus infection. I felt awful and definitely could not drink with everyone. I remember lying on this crappy mattress in this crappy room completely alone with non stop sounds of music and laughter. I was sick for days and I just think about lying on this mattress staring at red wine stains all over the shabby carpet. I cried and cried and cried for days. I felt like I was trapped in this shoe box of a room sick, alone, and scared. I honestly felt like I just wanted to die. My boyfriend at the time was very worried about me and he is who actually decided to get me to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.
My dream last night was of lying on that horrible mattress staring at disgusting wine stains and listening to non stop music and noise knowing this could potentially be the rest of my life. I woke up this morning so freaked out but so grateful that I was with my husband and daughter and in a healthy place both physically and mentally.