I woke up this morning with that gut wrenching anxiety which if you suffer from anxiety you know very well. It reminds me of a bad hangover when you try and remember every detail of the night before making sure you did nothing too stupid. Well I never drink so I don’t wake up with a hangover but I do wake up with that anxiety of the “what ifs?” They are usually regarding chronic pain but even if I did not have chronic pain I still suffer from anxiety. Chronic pain just intensified my anxieties especially since I no longer take any medicine for pain.
It takes actually getting out of bed and most of the time out of the house to relieve this anxiety. I was happy the sun was out and Kayci was down for a run.
I think about the future way more than I should. I not only struggle with planning my day and thinking about things I could be doing or should be doing but then start worrying about anything possible that could happen. I love my running shoes….they get me out of my head.
Many of my yoga instructors and yes my amazing holistic therapist always teach me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and everything will happen in the order and way it is supposed to happen. Hopefully, at some point I won’t rely on those running shoes so much to get out of my head. But that is where I am at right now and that’s ok.
The day turned out to go pretty well and I sadly received an email from an amazing friend and role model of mine. Her young, grade school daughter was just diagnosed with cancer. The email made me cry but also made me realize again why I admire this woman so much. Part of the reason I named my daughter Kayci was because I always wanted to be a mom like my role model whose daughter is about to face a lot of struggles. Her email to me was so positive and even said that her daughter will have fun learning how to make scarves and hats as she will lose her hair during chemo. She is such a strong, positive person and I always say: When I grow up I want to be just like her! I’m thirty two and have a LOT more to learn and think I will always be a work in progress.
I need to appreciate what I have more than I do. Yes, I say this way too often but like I said I’m a work in progress and am exactly where I need to be today, at this moment. Breathe and enjoy today.