Compartion = The Thief of JOY

I am 32 years old and have been comparing myself to others since I was a child. When does it end!? As a pre teen I wanted to have a clearer skin and hair that wasn’t always oily and have the “cool” girls actually like me. After my bike accident I wanted to have my Winnie Cooper long brown hair back (Wonder Years…the show…yes I’m old) During the worst periods of my chronic pain I wanted to literally be anybody but me. This may sound so awful to so many people but I have to be honest or this blog will be worth nothing. When my chronic pain was at its worst and none of the surgeries would work and not one doctor or specialist could help me I prayed for any disease possible (yes, even cancer) just so that I could be able to tell people what was wrong with me and have them feel bad and know that there could be treatment. Because in my darkest hours of chronic pain I really did want to die. Not the teenager “OH MY GOD….my boyfriend dumped me! I just wanna die!” kind of die but truly just be done with it.

Now I’m managing chronic pain well, have a good family and still compare myself to others. I compare myself to other mothers who did sleep training much better than I ever did. I compare myself to people who only eat organic and think: “wow I really should be doing that!” I compare myself to friends who work full time and have a good income as I am “just” (hate that word) a stay at home mom. I compare myself to every pregnant woman I see wondering when it will happen again for me. At times I even compare my body to other women’s bodies even though I am in great shape. And yes, I still do compare myself to people without chronic pain because although it has been a blessing in many ways I still despise it.

My only competition is myself. If I know I can do better than I need to try harder. If I want to be happier that is my job. I’m a work in progress as we all are and although there are things I would love to be different about my life what I have is pretty amazing.

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Compartion = The Thief of JOY

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