FEAR

It was one of those mornings I woke up with a huge pit in my stomach. I’m not sure if I was having a bad dream or my fears were just really getting to me. I frequently have dreams of miscarriages especially lately. This past year on my birthday I had a miscarriage and although they are common and there is nothing I did wrong, it doesn’t make it any easier. This is my second miscarriage and this was almost as difficult as our first. It was different than our first because I did not need a D & C and I had Kayci but it sure as hell did not make me happy and just filled me with more fear that I may never have another child (my biggest fear!) or when I did get pregnant this could happen again.

Fear can literally paralyze a person causing them to literally be stuck to their thoughts. I despise those mornings I wake up in a panic, filled with fear. Even running did not help this morning. Once home from our run and food shopping I showered and as I came out of the shower I heard my husband and daughter laughing and playing and my day turned around. We ended up playing at the pool for hours and having an amazing time. Just proves once again, your day can change for the better at any moment.

I like this acronym for FEAR as it is very true. Most of my fears are so beyond false. I swore when I was in the Mayo Clinic I would never graduate college, which I did with great GPA. I swore I would never have a job that was worth while, ended up becoming a social worker. I swore I would never have a family once again FALSE! I’m married with a beautiful little girl.

I cannot always change my fears at the moment I am having them but I have to remind myself of all my former fears that paralyzed my heart and mind for nothing.

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FEAR

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2 thoughts on “FEAR

  1. I’m so sorry about the miscarriages. You seem to have gone through some of the exact same things that I have. I had one child and then 2 miscarriages twice in a row. I was so very sad and depressed, having the same fears as you. Thinking maybe I wouldn’t be able to have another child. No one was as bonded to those babies as I was because as a mother we start bonding the moment we know we are pregnant. People didn’t know what to say and would say stupid things like well at least you have Rachel. Didn’t matter, I wanted another baby more than anything in the world. I understand some people never get to have one, but that statement doesn’t ease the pain. God blessed me with 3 more. With each new pregnancy I was so afraid it would happen again, luckily it didn’t. My deepest sympathy is with you for your losses. I’ll keep you in my prayers that God will one day bless you with another child.

    I know this is so random, but I have also been to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. Wasn’t a good experience for me. Big wast of time and money that I didn’t have. It took so long to get the appointment and I went there thinking they would be able to figure everything out. Everyone always says if Mayo can’t figure it out, no one can. Big disappointment for me. I’m a very complex case, this I know. I hope they were able to get you the answers you needed. Have a nice day.

    • Hi! Thank you for sharing your story regarding your miscarriages and bringing me much hope that I will have more children. Woke up with my period and started crying. Only been trying for two months but each time I cry. Sounds silly I’m sure but when you get your hopes really high knowing you did everything right to make a baby and didn’t work makes ya feel like shit!

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