This blog is meant to be inspiring and give people hope who suffer from chronic pain, depression, anxiety, motherhood issues etc. but unfortunately I am human and some days just plain suck! It is a day where I have to let myself feel some sadness and not feel guilty about it.
My daughter and I were up for most of the night. She fell asleep in her high chair before five pm last night and I knew something wasn’t right. Around seven pm we realized she was burning up and took her temperature. It was 102 and I was worried. At two am she awoke again burning up, with fever, and very uncomfortable. I was unable to go back to sleep at this point and it would have been silly to do so anyways as she was awake every half hour on. I went to use the bathroom and realized I had gotten my period (which is never a big deal to me as I’m lucked out in that department…they do not bother me) but they do bother me when I am praying on a daily basis that I am pregnant again. Kayci being so sick has kept my mind off of the fact that I am definitely not pregnant.
One of my good friends from high school is getting married today and because Kayci is sick I cannot go. Once again, I have let someone down and possibly caused her to be furious with me. I used to have to cancel plans all the time due to chronic pain and still at times do so but this time had to do with my little lover girl. I have felt guilty all day and being stuck inside with a little sick one year old has made it hard to distract myself from thoughts that are not helpful to myself or my family.
I feel deeply depressed and anxious which as people with chronic pain know only makes the pain worse. Lack of total sleep obviously doesn’t help. Kayci will be okay although the fever still is there and she does not want to be put down, and everything else will work out.
Most of my posts are motivational and hopefully inspiring. I want people to know that I’m not perfect and some days are really hard. Even when you know in your heart you are doing everything right, you can still feel like a failure. Yes, things could be tons worse. But I’m a real person with chronic pain and some days are more than difficult they are downright hell.