Ever since I was about five years old I wanted to be a mother. I played “house” non stop. I forced my younger brother to pretend he was my son and even dressed him up as a girl at times because I wanted a daughter. I never forgot to bring my dolls to the playground and the one time I left Darcy (my cabbage patch kid) at the playground I begged my dad to bring me back to the playground right away so I could find my little girl. I still have Darcy. One day Kayci will have her…..maybe. (I really love that doll haha.)
I never thought I would have a bike accident that led me to brain surgery and half a shaved head. I never thought I would spend weeks in the ICU with my parents praying for me to be okay. I never thought that accident would result in suffering from chronic pain the rest of my life.
Once all these things actually happened everything changed. During my darkest hours of chronic pain I hated seeing happy mother’s with their children. I didn’t like how amazing my friends were doing in college while having the time of their lives. I was jealous of every single person I came in contact with because they did not (to my knowledge) have chronic pain. Everyone seemed happy and alive but me. But the biggest dream I thought would never come true for me was motherhood.
I love this picture of my daughter and I just days ago rolling around in the grass getting extremely dirty and not caring. I still have chronic pain and yet my dreams have come true. I still have more dreams and I work every day at them. I am not very proud of the jealousy I felt towards so many people during the worst times of my battle with chronic pain but I am a different person now. Chronic pain has led to me to the most challenging times in my life but it has also led me to the most amazing parts of my life. No one really can grasp how much I love being a mother. The sound of my daughter laughing makes my eyes fill up. Holding her tiny hand in bed watching the 100th episode of the Wiggles makes my heart skip a beat. I post more pictures than most people probably care to see of this little person. But, I was one hundred percent positive that because of my brain surgery and chronic pain this picture would never be real. I take things for granted too often but I will never take motherhood for granted for a second.