We cannot control everything in our lives. We do not have the control or power to make things happen right when we want them to happen. I spent one third of my life trying to control my chronic pain and making it better. Once I did let go and had faith in something that was totally out of my realm of knowledge my management of chronic pain was outstanding. I cannot control the fact that I have chronic pain. I know that, it is here and if one day it does go away than I would be a very lucky woman and a miracle would have happened ( I do believe in miracles.) But, for now that is totally out of my control. What is in my control is how I manage my pain and stay positive and use the techniques I have been given to manage my pain.
There are other things in my life that I do not have control over. Each month that I realize I am not pregnant I get depressed for a day or two. I can’t control when I will have my second child. I need to relax and have faith that it will happen. I allow myself to be sad for a day and then keep going. The little girl laying next to me if living proof I can have children so why do I worry so much? I was with a friend today who said: “Don’t you wish your future self could just tell you that yes you are going to get pregnant and Kayci will have a sibling.” Part of me does, okay a lot of me does but that isn’t possible. I have to let go and keep doing what I do. I’m a great mother, I am healthy, and know what I want from my world. I just do not have the control over some things.
I truly only have control over how I react to my life circumstances. No, I did not lay around today sulking that I got my damn period hence not pregnant Jessica!!! I went for a four mile run with my daughter and as much as I wanted to cancel her play date I did not do it because I knew it made her happy. I am a control freak and I know this and chronic pain management has unfortunately greatened my need to control certain things. But, I also do know from my life experience that there are just some things I cannot control and I have to let go, relax (try to relax haha) and have faith that things will work out because they always do. Like I wrote in my previous post, when I had my D&C in 2011 I was a mess! I didn’t have faith at the time things would work out as they should. One year later to the day, Kayci was born.
I do not want to waste time being sad about the things I want but at this time do not have. I want to spend my time being grateful and happy for the things I do have. And I have a lot to be grateful for. My two dreams will come true. I will keep doing what it takes to make those dreams come true and let go of some control and just have faith. Guess, it is time I whip out my gratitude journal!