Every day my daughter and I either run/walk or drive past the church down the street from our house. Each week this church has a different saying on their church board. This is by far the best one I have seen to date. I knew my whole life I wanted to be a mother before anything else. I had a good childhood for the most part but was faced with challenges many of my friends did not have to deal with. In fairness to my family I will not go into details but my whole life I have had a fear of abandonment. My fear of abandonment stretches so far that it is difficult for me to say goodbye to a friend who is going on vacation if even for a week. Recently one of my best friends since forever moved back to California and I haven’t felt the same since. I hate good byes. I hate endings. I even hate watching my daughter watch my husband drive away to go to work. I remember driving to Denver from New Jersey to live there with one of my friends. We planned to live together in Denver for two years. On the drive there I said to my friend: “I am going to miss you so much when these two years are over!” We had not even gotten off the New Jersey Turnpike. She was laughing hysterically and I was too and the insanity of my thoughts. There are so many things I faced as a child that I do not want my daughter and future children to ever go through. That is why I had to totally take control of my chronic pain and manage it naturally. I hated taking my baby to doctor appointments when we could have been outside having fun. Luckily she was still so young that she slept through the appointments in her portable car seat. The day I had my miscarriage which was also my birthday was when I decided from that day forward I was going to be the best mother in the world. And to do that I have to set a very healthy example. Yes, I am sure my children would understand why I had to take medicine and why I was at the doctors all the time ( brain surgery is no joke.) But, I want them to see how strong a person can be in the midst of crisis and pain. If I can manage chronic pain naturally and set that healthy example I have a good start on building strong children so they will hopefully not need too much fixing as adults.
There are so many things I am working on to better myself and sometimes I screw up. Today I lost it because my daughter literally would not let me put her down (this rain is killin us lol) and it was driving me crazy. I yelled “I just want five minutes to breathe!!!!!” I felt bad afterwards and I know it is very common for mothers and fathers to get frustrated.
I look at my daughter and she is the best thing I have ever done to date. I am proud at the little things like when we go to WaWa after our runs and the sales person offers her a donut and she says: “yuck!” and then proceeds to beg for a banana. I am proud that she is the happiest person I have ever met. I am proud that she loves books and hugs and playing outside. I love that her favorite snack is carrots and hummus. Yes, there are times I feel like I am failing. I recently read a quote that said: “Behind every great kid is a mother who thinks she is screwing up!” I love that because it is so true.
I am a work in progress and I think it is awesome that I realize this. I want my children to always be works in progress. We should never stop learning or growing. I just know that I want my daughter to see a healthy mother who loves her more than the world and teaches her the lessons many children are not taught. Yes, addition and subtraction are important but so are the lessons learned at home: compassion, empathy, understanding, non judgement, happiness, and self love. It is easier to build a child than to fix an adult. I’m living proof of that……so is my daughter.