Dear Chronic Pain.....

You have been the hardest aspect in my life since I was a teenager. You have haunted me for over twenty years and almost made me second guess my on this earth more than once. You, chronic pain have proved to be more difficult that brain surgery, a difficult child hood, two miscarriages, and any losses I have faced in my life. You may be invisible to others but I feel you in my life every second of every day. You were my greatest weakness for one third of my life. I did things I never would have done had I never had you in my life and spent a good portion of my life in doctor’s offices and multiple surgery tables trying to find a way to get rid of you! You came close to ruining my life forever and almost crushed any chance of happiness or any chance of my dreams coming true.

However, you chronic pain have also turned me into one of the strongest people I know. I wake up ever day (some days are worse then others and fight again.) You have not won chronic pain. I, Jessica have beat you. Because of you, chronic pain I eat healthier than most people I know and love exercise. Because of you chronic pain I practice mindfulness and meditation. Most importantly, because of you I am an extremely loving, empathetic person who appreciates the little things in life. I have more appreciation for life than I ever would have had I not had brain surgery and had I not have faced chronic pain. Today is a difficult da for me but I woke up, I did yoga, I juiced, played with my daughter and worked on the house and had laughs in between. You can continue to try to beat me down chronic pain but I will continue to wake up and start over and show you who is boss.

Chronic pain has been the worst thing to happen to me in my life, however it has given me more strength than I even realize. I am not ready to thank you chronic pain but maybe one day I will get there.

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Dear Chronic Pain…..

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7 thoughts on “Dear Chronic Pain…..

  1. I just have to say your posts are very encouraging. I have daily chronic pain (for the past 10 years) and I find the hardest for me is being patient when I am hurting. I just get so angry sometimes. I know it is because if I don’t become angry I would instead dissolve into a pathetic puddle of tears and pain, and I know that it is this ‘anger’ that gets me through most days, and over the hardest bumps. But I often wish I could face my days the way you do. With courage and patience rather than with that adrenalin. There are days where I will intentionally pick fights just to be able to spike my adrenalin and get moving in the morning,…Where I feel that if I didn’t start an argument, I wouldn’t know how to leave my house…

    But then I get to work and read your posts and realize that maybe there is a different way to tackle those emotions I’m feeling, rather than letting out my tears and frustrations on A for something unrelated.

    How do you deal with those situations? Do you talk a lot with your partner about your pain? How do you start those kind of conversations? How do you get your partner to understand that you are upset do to your pain and not what your yelling at him about?

    • Thank you for reading my blog, it means a lot to me and you have given me food for thought and an idea for a blog post bc so many of us with chronic pain have such anger and it comes off to the wrong people. I used to do what you do in a way because I was so angry at the pain and I guess myself in a way that I woke up so fueled with adrenaline, dread, and anger that I would start fights with people. I look back to certain things and it was 90 percent due to my pain not a person I was “angry” with. I have lost many people in my life due to them not understanding chronic pain and how I lashed out.

      I would not say I am a patient person, just have come to a point of acceptance. I wake up with raging adrenaline but not anger. I use that adrenaline by working out whether I run, walk, or do a video. Days like today when it was cold and raining here in NJ I could not take my daughter outside for a run. I did a yoga video which helped but it wasn’t the same. I wake up scared most days and filled with anxiety but not anger. Unless I have an outside reason to be angry I’m human and married lol I get angry!

      My husband met me after I had learned how to manage my pain naturally. I do not think our relationship would have worked if he had met me prior to me learning to manage my pain naturally and ignore the pain and be happy. He does not know the side of Jessica with severe chronic pain that rules my life. He knows the Jessica that does not talk about the pain. He is probably learning more from this blog about my pain then words I have ever said. I can be in an awful mood at times due to my pain. I have days where it is too much for me to deal with and I do take it out on others. I do say to him: “I’m having a difficult day” aka I’m in a lot of pain. I never use the word pain when it relates to my chronic pain because I work very hard not to think about it therefor if I talk about I, I think about it. I also try to be cognizant that anger and fighting is proven to increase chronic pain not to mention I am a crier like no other so I cry more than argue. I have spent the past few months really really working on bettering myself and how I manage my pain and I have learned that arguing makes my pain worse for days.

      I do not know if this helped at all! I’m hoping it did. My one year old is screaming for my attention so hard to concentrate but pls write whenever you need to!!!!!

  2. My cheeks are wet from my tears after reading your post and the comments!
    Thank u ❤
    I truly just learned that after a cry I feel better?!
    I've been holding myself so strong that I forgot how healing tears can feel.
    Course they were tears of joy reading how we can always learn from our our chronic pain maze!
    Reflect
    Redirect
    Resurrect
    xoxoxo

  3. Ooo I like that

    Reflect Redirect and Resurrect.

    I have always felt that raging ___ upon waking is just the body remembering its in pain, and I think that is why mine turns into anger so often. anger that once again I have to go through the same shit. the “Why Me” anger.

    My amazing partner and I had been together 1 year when an unfortunate incident with a chiropractor landed me back in emerges and on meds and frankly full-on batshit crazy. I had been dealing with my pain ‘med’ free (that does not include the self medicating :P) for 6 years until this point and we had had a few conversations about it, but nothing in depth. This time however I decided to try and go maybe to the root of all these feelings since I have never been a particularly pleasant person. Mostly because I have never acknowledged that even if I try to ‘ignore’ the pain, it was still surfacing, just in different ways.

    I am now working towards getting off meds again(or moving to only ‘natural sources of relief at least) and I have had to learn how to really truly vocalize how I am feeling, since the only alternative is just fighting for no reasons. So now I’m learning to say things like “Sure I’ll come to a movie, but I’m going to need a pillow, and a massage after, and can we walk there since I’ve been sitting all day and I’m already pretty sore” RATHER than “F** you I told you I hate that actor, and you know I worked all day and I made plans for dinner and how come you cant read my mind ect ect ect.”

    It’s hard because what it really means is that you have to admit defeat. and you have to be willing to admit defeat over and over and over again.

    But the AMAZING THING IS!!!!! that when you find the right person, THEY DON’T CARE! They will carry your dorky pillow to the movie, and take you for walks even if they already worked a 10 hour shift, and they also will understand when you forget and lash out and come back later saying “im sorry its just been a long day”

    It is also really REALLY comforting to read you write about your daughter. My biggest fear is that I will not be able to have kids, or that when I do I wont be able to pick them up or carry them or deal with their neediness because of my pain. It is incredibly reassuring to see you incorporating your daughter into your rehab rather than trying to rehab separately and alone while you deal with your kid.

    Ok, back to work lol

    • I love this! I love your honesty!!!! I will write you more tomorrow, my in laws are in town and my little girl has a cold so she is very needy. My biggest fear in my darkness of chronic pain was that I would not be able to have and take care of children/my biggest dream ever!!!! I am hear to tell you if you want to be a mother you will make it happen! Anyone with chronic pain can have a child once they learn how to manage their pain. My daughter is the best distraction from my pain and I love that she motivates me to keep going and better myself.

      Your partner sounds like an amazing person! Chronic pain is very difficult for caregivers and it is great that you are finding a way to manage that. If you have any questions plssss ask me! Helping ppl with chronic pain is my calling aside from motherhood. I feel very fortunate and grateful that I have gotten to this point since it took over ten years to be this healthy and happy. It is my turn to help others.

      I went through the WHY ME phase for about ten years. Why the hell am I going through this at such a young age? Why did I have to fall of my bike? Why does a girl who loves life so much have to endure so much pain?? Why why why???? and I cursed anything I said to believe in for giving me the life I had. I don’t ask why me anymore. I am not ready to be thankful for chronic pain but when I think about it, I can’t change it so why ask why. My friend who just gave birth to twins and one did not survive doesn’t deserve that. Why her? My good friends daughter has cancer and is the happiest little girl ever…why her? It gets us no where and there is a reason. I think I am living proof of that. I think we are given chronic pain because some higher being knows we are strong enough to handle it and once we find a way to handle it we can help others!

      I don’t know but I will continue to be here. OH and I do get angry realllllly pissed off I just try and find a healthy way to utilize it. Doesn’t always work. And yes tears are awesome!!!! Such a release!!!!!!!!!! GET Those out

  4. really supportive reading these posts! We all sure need that! Interesting abt the anger. Look at it this way …. for me, I spend an awful lot of time in depression~not the poor me kind. I really believe it’s a physiological brain dysfunction stuff that’s tied into my chronic migraines. So rather than wake up angry, filled w/ adrenaline, I wake up depressed and feel like I need a cattle prod to get me going. I don’t snap at my friends … but I know they wonder what’s up when I’m in a real blah mood and just can’t hide it, as I very often do…or do my best to.
    Re: the mothering part … some encouraging words! My 3 sons are now young adults and grew up w/ my migraines. And I was a single mom for most of their years. But we had an awesome time together … always were and still are very, very close.
    During those yrs, I’d tell my neurologist who ran a headache clinic … “Look! I have 3 kids at home and I can’t go into a dark room and lie down. Do whatever u need to do to keep me on my feet.” He wasn’t one to just hand out heavy meds, but I did take my share of pain meds. Also tried many alternative treatments. Some stuck, some didn’t.
    On the positive note abt ur anger, it’s a real good thing ur letting it out! I do not do such a good thing at all. I stuff it and stuff it and tell myself I’m ok & I can handle it … and then once in a while, I just completely LOSE IT!! I mean I yell & scream ( and it’s just me and my dog 🙂 but I even freak him out. I’ve literally just freaked out and done that thing people do in the movies where they, w/ 1 total sweep of an arm, wipe the entire contents off the top of a table…or I’ve broken something, which I really regret later, cuz, yes, once it was my cell phone. Luckily, that was yrs ago. But, when I feel my anger, I look at it as ENERGY and I’d much rather feel that than my depression.Take care all!

  5. Pingback: Hypnosis and meditation for pain | Cool lady blog

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