Most people I know are afraid of getting older. We spend a third of our life wanting to be older and the rest wishing we were younger. And we wonder why we aren’t happy! We seem to always want what we cannot have. Hence, the reasons so many failed relationships in our lives, but that is not the topic of my blog. So many people will not reach the age you are at this very moment and yet you are uncomfortable with your age. I do the same thing with my daughter. She is going to be twenty one months and the time is going so fast that I sometimes wish we were back in time bringing her home from the hospital at four days old.
Age is not an issue with me. I can honestly say I am proud to say I am thirty two years old. There were many times and years that I truly did not believe I would reach this age. My life could have been taken in my early teens when I had my bike accident. I wanted to take my own life at times because chronic pain became to much for me to live with. On a whole, I am happier and healthier at the age of thirty two than I was in my twenties. I feel younger today than I did during much of my life. There have been peaks and valleys throughout my journey with chronic pain but I am happy to say that I definitely feel younger at the age of thirty two then I did at the age of twenty two. I know my younger self used to think: “Oh my god thirty two is soooo old!!!” It is so cliché too say but we are as old as we feel. In my late teens and early twenties I honestly felt like I was in my eighties. I was in constant pain and either in a doctors office or lying in bed crying. I felt like I was dying. The side effects to all the medications doctors tried also made me feel awful. I did not exercise, eat healthy, laugh a lot, or believe in mindfulness. Now that I do all of those things and am no longer on any medications for pain or going to any doctors for my pain I feel young! Feeling good on the inside truly does manifest itself on the outside. I am by no means a model but people rarely believe I am in my thirties. I look younger than I did at certain ages in my life when I was drowning in chronic pain and depression.
I so wish I had the knowledge in my late teens and early twenties that I have now. But there is no point in looking back. I have the knowledge now and what more important, I am using it so that I can manage my chronic pain naturally. I will never have to go to another pain doctor for chronic pain because I chose not to. I will never have to take another medication for chronic pain because that is my choice. I refuse to be unhappy about getting older for it is a privilege denied to many. I think about how many people have died due to chronic pain alone and I feel blessed. For some reason the past few days a line from one of my meditations keeps screaming in my brain. The rest of my life will be the best of my life.