I woke up at four am this morning, no reason I was just unable to fall back asleep. I awoke with the excitement of Halloween as this is the first year my daughter can truly grasp how amazing it is! I started thinking back to past Halloweens and holidays in general. I have had chronic pain for about fifteen years and yet when I think back to my last two Halloweens, I do not think about pain. What sticks out from last Halloween was Hurricane Sandy and Halloween being cancelled. My daughter and I dressed up anyways as bunnies and I remember her cute face and being so excited that she was crawling. The Halloween before that I was pregnant and felt huge! All I truly stands out from that day is going to my good friend’s daughter’s parade. I remember being so excited that I would be a mom soon. Pain is not something that sticks out to me on either of the past two Halloweens and I know it is not what I will remember from this Halloween, even though the pain is here. This picture was taken at about five am this morning. I was laughing so hard I was in tears. I put this costume on my daughter for our morning run. All she kept saying was: “Cat, woof woof. Cat, woof woof.” Even in those moments I was thinking this is what I will remember from Halloween, 2013.
Looking back on many years of my life all I can remember is pain. I do not remember happiness in so many of my living years that it almost shocks me. I lived so many years of my life thinking, breathing, and focusing on pain that there is nothing else I remember. I did not enjoy holidays for many years. I went on amazing vacations and all I can remember from these times are tears and pain. It was not until I stopped searching for a cure to my chronic pain and starting focusing on living naturally with chronic pain that I began to make happy memories.
As life moves forward and my chronic pain journey continues I hope to help others learn how to live a happy life even with chronic pain. There is so much we do not remember but big moments stick out: good or bad. This morning was such an amazing moment for me and it was so simple. Just my little baby girl wearing a silly cat costume at five in the morning saying: woof woof. I won’t remember everything about this day but I will remember that special moment. I am grateful that most of the moments I now think of are happy ones in spite of the pain.