It still upsets me that after all the lessons I learned at the Mayo Clinic about pain management and how to manage pain naturally that I went back to pain medication. I knew better. I had even gone through medical bankcrupcy because of all the doctors, procedures, and my stay at the Mayo Clinic. I knew that pain medicine would help me for a while if I went back on it but I also knew that in the long run it would stop working and I would need more and more of it to get the same pain relief. I went to a pain doctor anyway and after and doctor sees an MRI of my back and neck and read my medical records of having brain surgery they have no problem prescribing me pain medication. I took the easy way out and ended up paying for it. I lost much strength, courage, and almost all self confidence when I made this decision.
I will never forget that day in June following my miscarriage when I had a doctor appointment scheduled. I did not sleep the entire night because I was so beyond depressed because of my miscarriage. I kept staring at my one year olds face thinking do I really want to live a life on pain medicine again? Did I really want to bring my daughter to a doctor appointment every other week? It was very early in the morning, maybe four am when I took out a piece of paper and wrote down all the reasons to cancel this appointment. I had enough pain medicine to wean myself off the medication on my own (again I do not recommend anyone doing this on their own) and the thought of taking my daughter to the doctor and making her sit through the boring process of her mother’s doctor appointment made me sick to my stomach. For about five hours I went back and forth in my mind thinking about whether or not to cancel the doctor appointment. If I cancelled this appointment I knew I would not go back to taking pain medicine. I kept thinking of a quote I had seen that said: “A year from now you will wish you started today.” At nine am I cancelled my appointment. I have not gone back to the doctor’s office since.
This was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Not only was I going through a miscarriage at home, I was weaning myself off pain medication at a rapid rate. I was living in hell but had hope. The strength, courage, and self confidence I have gained because of this decision cannot be put into words. Weeks later people would come up to me saying: “You look so good, what is different?” The only difference was that I was happy. The crazy part is that I had no medication to turn to for pain relief and was feeling more pain but was healthier, happier, and more proud of myself then ever.
Each time life has knocked me down and I have taken the difficult route I have grown stronger and happier. Feeling good about yourself on the inside makes you feel better about yourself on the outside. Happiness and strength shine outwardly more than anything else. As hard as things may be for people reading my blog, know that whatever you are going through will make you so much stronger and there is a huge light at the end of the tunnel. I promise.