So many of the choices I have made in this life have been based on fear, not hope. I do not blame myself for many of my choices as they were out of ignorance of my chronic pain. If a doctor said you need to come see me two times a week and receive injections in your face I did it. if a doctor said taking these three prescriptions together will alleviate your pain, I took each pill. If a doctor said, having acupuncture done will relieve the pain I went to each acupuncture appointment. I had no one else for the knowledge to relieve my pain, I therefor left all my trust in the people who had their medical degree. Not to discredit many of the doctors I saw, many of them were truly trying to help my pain levels and truly seemed to care. Chronic pain is one of the hardest conditions for doctors to help patients with because sadly sometimes people truly do have to just live with the pain the best they can.
For many years I have had the knowledge of how to manage my chronic pain naturally and live a happy, fulfilling life. However, even with that knowledge I have made awful choices out of fear. Unfortunately, I have way too many examples to give my readers so I will just present one. Since being a little girl I have dreamed of having a family. I watched The Brady Brunch and The Wonder Years growing up and I wanted that. My parents divorced before I was barely one and my childhood was often times less than ideal. To this day, I crave that happy household I wanted my whole childhood. I dated a lot once I got a hold on my chronic pain and was living a healthy lifestyle. I wanted to find a person who would love me just for me and one day have that happy family I had always dreamed of. My biggest fear with chronic pain was that no one would ever want to be with me. My second biggest fear with chronic pain was that I would never have children. Dating in my generation usually involves going out for drinks or dinner. I went on many dates from dating sites and usually ended up having too many drinks that caused me to deviate from my chronic pain management. It seemed that every person I went out with loved drinking. If I liked a person enough, I pretended to enjoy drinking as much as they did. Once it really interfered with my management of chronic pain, I usually stopped seeing the person. I made so many choices that went against my healthy lifestyle to get closer to a man that it feels pathetic. No one in the world is worth your health.
I met my husband through a mutual friend. Our first date was not at a bar or restaurant but actually at my favorite juice place in the small town I grew up in. Our date consisted of ordering carrot and apple juices and walking around the small town for over an hour. All we did was talk and I remember getting in my car following our date and literally shaking with happiness. I do not believe in love at first sight, but if anything like it exists that date was it. We have been together since and are now married with one little girl. I made sure to tell him on our second date about my health and how I managed it and that I did not like to party and could not date someone who wanted that kind of lifestyle. He fell in love with me for me: chronic pain and all.
I still sometimes make choices based on fear rather than hope. I always think of the quote that says: fear and anxiety is not about the future but wanting to control the future. There are so many things I still dream of and want in my life and this quote very much speaks to me as I need to concentrate on where my choices are coming from. Are they coming from a place of fear or hope?