I have a long history of running away from my problems. It took my crazy escape from New Jersey all the way to Colorado to truly teach me that my problems would come with me wherever I ran to. I had been to every doctor around New Jersey and Philadelphia to know that nothing was helping relieve my chronic pain. I was in the middle of college going for my teaching degree and I was at a point in my life where drinking every night to numb the pain and crying during the day had literally become my daily routine. Logically, I knew that getting in my car and driving across the country to a state where I barely knew anyone was not going to take away my chronic pain. However, the pain and suffering had become so awful that at that moment it felt like run away or die. That may sound dramatic or extreme but that where my mind was at after over a decade of my life living in hell. I thought that maybe there was this tiny chance that Colorado would have different forms of medicine then were available on the East Coast. I also knew that I had to get away.
I dropped my entire life (which wasn’t much) and drove to Colorado. I continued to search for a cure to my pain but was seeing a different side of medicine. I went to natropaths, nutritionists, acupuncturists, hypnotists, herb specialists, and even one woman who swore her crystals would take all my pain away. I am sure some of these methods may have helped dampen the pain I was feeling but at the same time as seeing all of these specialists I was partying my ass off with my friends. If you have been reading my blog, you know that my rock bottom happened in Colorado. I was through with finding a cure and the self medication of alcohol was starting to ruin my life inside and out. Sometimes things do really happen for a reason and things are revealed to us as Louise Hay points out, at the perfect time and space. For if it had not been for Colorado, I may have never discovered the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. An angel in my life at the time took me there and he refused to let me leave without answers. He believed in me. He knew my pain was real. He knew I had had brain surgery and had seen me fall apart from the life of chronic pain. Although I did not find a cure to my chronic pain in Minnesota, I did find a way to live with my pain naturally and happily. I did not return to New Jersey for a very long time. Following my stay at the Mayo Clinic, I returned to Denver, Colorado and got my Bachelors degree in Social Work.
New Jersey held so many awful memories for me and my life with chronic pain. I enjoyed visiting but it was always scary. I wanted to stay in my healthy chronic pain routine and New Jersey was a frightening place for me. Once I did return to New Jersey I was shocked. I was seeing things I had never really seen before. I had no idea there was a gym a few blocks from my house. I lived on a lake and never really took the time to walk around and enjoy it. Nothing about New Jersey or the town that I lived in had changed. However, everything about myself had. I can never come close to imagining the pain and suffering Nelson Mandela endured during his time spent in prison, which took up one third of his life. I am no where near wise enough to comprehend his love and acceptance for man kind and would never come close to comparing any part of my life story with that of his. However, he has taught man kind so many lessons and I can relate so much of myself with his lessons. “There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you, yourself have altered. I still live in New Jersey and the area in which I live has not changed, never did. The taxes may have gone up and gas prices are extremely high but aside from small changes New Jersey has remained pretty much the same. I have completely changed from the inside out on how I manage chronic pain and my acceptance to chronic pain has made me a happy, healthy woman who is trying to fulfill her dreams and goals one day at a time. I do not regret my escape to Colorado because I do not believe I would be in the happy place I am now. It truly is amazing to see how much changes on the outside of your world once you change how you feel on the inside.