“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.” Yesterday was one of the most “difficult days” I have had in a long time. If you are just starting to read my blog, “difficult day” really means: my pain was way too many high levels and I wanted to jump out of my skin multiple times. Not one person knew the pain I was feeling because I do not talk about it. With chronic pain the damage exists every day of our lives however, it does not need to control our lives. Although yesterday was a more “difficult day” then I am used to these days there was still a lot of smiles throughout the day. A year from now I will not remember lying in bed last night doing everything possible to get comfortable and using all my mental strength to abstain from my pain behaviors. I may remember my daughter being crazy and causing me to laugh until I could barely breathe. I may remember the email my dad sent me saying how proud he was of me. Like I have written: We truly do not remember days, we remember moments.

I awoke this morning with a lot of anxiety about life in general and fearful of another “difficult day.” I decided to really think about why yesterday may have been more difficult pain wise for me than most days. I had a lot of anger in me yesterday and was frustrated extremely easily. I am sure my body was very tense for a majority of the day. I was angry with certain people in my life and I let that cloud a lot of my joy for the day. I love the saying: “For each minute we are angry, we lose sixty seconds of happiness.” Instead of letting my anger out, I held it in and was just bitter most of the day. I was not only angry with other people, there were things I was angry with myself about. So today, I decided to let that anger go. Sometimes it really is better to be happy then to have the need to be right. I did not sleep well last night so I was not thrilled when my daughter awoke at five am. However, hearing the word “mommy” in the sweetest little voice is the best alarm clock in the world. I decided to spend a lot of my morning snuggling with her an playing on the couch. She has a mild obsession with the song “Gangnum Style” so for my hour workout I allowed her to listen to the song an hour straight. We were both happy. I had to try something new with her so that I was able to exercise without her clinging to me every second. If it takes hearing that song over and over again for a full hour, I will do it. It totally beats getting frustrated with her for an hour.

Will I ever be healed from my brain surgery and chronic pain, probably not. If I had a magic eight ball and shook it right now it would probably say: “Outlook does not look good.” Do I need to let chronic pain control my life absolutely not. Today may not be idea and I may not feel amazing but I am going to make the most of the day and keep going. Chronic pain does control certain moments in my life but I will never let it control my entire life again.




5 thoughts on “Healing

  1. countryfairy12 says:

    Reblogged this on In Loving Memory Of Jody Ann Bales and commented:
    I just had to reblog this…you put into words that would of taken me hours and many tears to type out, I am now in the anger stage, Angry that these muscle relaxers, and LYRICA isn’t controlling the pain like I had hoped. Bless your heart for putting into words what REAL PAIN can do to ones life 🙂

  2. countryfairy12 says:

    I had to reblog…your post cuz it was exactly the same way I was feeling, I read it and cried,that there is someone out there in the world that feels EXACTLY like me at this very moment, its pretty bad when we wake up fearful what move we will make that will cause us that horrible pain that will put us down for hours or at times sometimes in my case days. Bless your heart, I love following your blog. Gentle Hugs to you dear chronic friend, Amanda in Ohio

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