“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.” Yesterday was one of the most “difficult days” I have had in a long time. If you are just starting to read my blog, “difficult day” really means: my pain was way too many high levels and I wanted to jump out of my skin multiple times. Not one person knew the pain I was feeling because I do not talk about it. With chronic pain the damage exists every day of our lives however, it does not need to control our lives. Although yesterday was a more “difficult day” then I am used to these days there was still a lot of smiles throughout the day. A year from now I will not remember lying in bed last night doing everything possible to get comfortable and using all my mental strength to abstain from my pain behaviors. I may remember my daughter being crazy and causing me to laugh until I could barely breathe. I may remember the email my dad sent me saying how proud he was of me. Like I have written: We truly do not remember days, we remember moments.
I awoke this morning with a lot of anxiety about life in general and fearful of another “difficult day.” I decided to really think about why yesterday may have been more difficult pain wise for me than most days. I had a lot of anger in me yesterday and was frustrated extremely easily. I am sure my body was very tense for a majority of the day. I was angry with certain people in my life and I let that cloud a lot of my joy for the day. I love the saying: “For each minute we are angry, we lose sixty seconds of happiness.” Instead of letting my anger out, I held it in and was just bitter most of the day. I was not only angry with other people, there were things I was angry with myself about. So today, I decided to let that anger go. Sometimes it really is better to be happy then to have the need to be right. I did not sleep well last night so I was not thrilled when my daughter awoke at five am. However, hearing the word “mommy” in the sweetest little voice is the best alarm clock in the world. I decided to spend a lot of my morning snuggling with her an playing on the couch. She has a mild obsession with the song “Gangnum Style” so for my hour workout I allowed her to listen to the song an hour straight. We were both happy. I had to try something new with her so that I was able to exercise without her clinging to me every second. If it takes hearing that song over and over again for a full hour, I will do it. It totally beats getting frustrated with her for an hour.
Will I ever be healed from my brain surgery and chronic pain, probably not. If I had a magic eight ball and shook it right now it would probably say: “Outlook does not look good.” Do I need to let chronic pain control my life absolutely not. Today may not be idea and I may not feel amazing but I am going to make the most of the day and keep going. Chronic pain does control certain moments in my life but I will never let it control my entire life again.