No one ever said a life with chronic pain and anxiety would be easy and some days I break. Today was one of those days. My daughter woke up a little before four am begging for her Dora stuffed animal and her stuffed monkey. One would have thought the house was burning down as she begged for her two favorite things in the world. By the time I was able to locate both, I was wide awake and filled with anxiety. I awoke multiple times throughout the night as I have the past few nights with awful dreams also known as nightmares. Sleep was not on my side. A little after four am, my daughter and I were fully awake, she was thrilled I was annoyed. My negative energy was definitely rubbing off on her and I tried to re-evaluate how I could handle the day. So by four thirty am I put on her favorite song and I did a Cardio workout in our living room. Now, this will usually truly help me for hours on end but not today. I was so beyond anxious and worrying about things that I truly cannot control that I felt like crawling out of my skin. Everything going wrong in my life at this moment was magnified by ten. The only difference is that I at least realize while I am feeling these awful feelings and thinking these awful thoughts that I will be okay and most of my fears are not based on truths. I kept repeating to myself: A bad day does not make a bad life.
I knew that if my daughter took a nap and I got some rest or did a meditation I would feel somewhat better. Lack of sleep for many people causes increased depression, anxiety and if you have chronic pain lack of sleep can magnify the pain a lot. I tried and tried to do anything to get her to sleep but she just wanted to keep going and going and going. The more I tried, the more she refused: the more she refused the angrier I got. I was fighting with a little girl who is not even two yet. That is just nuts. Then my thoughts got even worse and I began thinking that I was a terrible mother. I was in a downward spiral. Have you ever had a day where you literally question everything about your life? If you have then you understand the kind of day this was turning into.
Kayci finally fell asleep and I did a meditation but even afterwards felt like crap. More frustration!!! I laid in bed (something I rarely to never do) and just watched MTV for a half hour until she woke up. Laying there watching one of the worst reality shows ever made did not help my mind from wandering to negative thoughts. Kayci soon woke up and I knew we needed to just get out of the house. One of my yoga instructors once said: “If you want to change your life, move your legs.” I didn’t even think about it. I put our shoes and jackets on and we just started walking and walking. In hindsight, I should have brought the stroller but we were out walking for over an hour we are now both in better moods. I’m not going to lie, this walk did not cure my crappy day and how I feel but it definitely did not hurt either. I had a few laughs and smiles with my daughter and the only time I took my phone out was to take this picture.
I am going to start tomorrow a lot different then I started today. I have been focusing on the same thing every moment of every day to the point where it is affecting my dreams. It is taking my focus off of the present moment and I want to enjoy this time with my family. It is only six days until my daughter’s second Christmas. Sometimes you really have to fake it till you make it and act the way you want to feel.