Impatience

Very few people are able to just let things go and allow life to unfold as it is intended to do so. We are all fighting a battles outsiders do not know about. A lot of those battles are fought because we are trying to get answers to questions about our life that the universe is just not ready to give us. I am one of the most impatient people I know. I am impatient about the big things in life and the little things. My search for an answer/cure to my chronic pain took away many years of my life. My search for my perfect match that would lead me to marriage seemed never ending. Even my search for “my purpose” on this planet never seemed to truly be written out for me.

The cure for my chronic pain was never given to me but it was not until that I let go and trust that I could manage it without medication that I truly began living. It was not until I truly worked on myself and was in a good place that I found the person I wanted to spend my life with. I spent years dating and was an avid member of Match.com. All those dates (especially the online ones) provided me with great stories but did nothing for love and companionship. I remember the day so clearly that my friend wanted to set me up with the person who I did end up marrying. We were in a five am kickboxing class and she was telling me all about this man she worked with and how wonderful of a couple we would make. I deliberately remember saying to her: “I really do not want to meet anyone right now. I am fed up with dating and am actually quite happy being alone.” I meant every word of it. However, after weeks of her persuading me to meet the man, I reluctantly agreed. We had our first date at a juice bar four years ago and have been together since.

For almost twenty years of my life I wanted to be a teacher. I love children and spent two plus years in college studying to be an elementary school teacher. During most of my college career I was fighting my huge battle with chronic pain. Although I kept good grades and appeared to be having a good time, I was miserable inside. I spent at least two days a week at a different doctor’s office and spent most nights crying myself to sleep. I never dreamed I would become a social worker and help people who were suffering as I had suffered. I remember once I left the Mayo Clinic I spent weeks searching online for a major that jumped out of me. I wanted something that I felt passionate about but did not even truly know what social work was until it hit me: I could help people with chronic pain who had no answers and a couple days later I had declared a major that meant something to me and later graduated at the top of my class. I graduated college with a 4.0. This is not because I am a brilliant person, it is because I felt so passionate about what I was studying that I could not fail. I was studying how to help people: it was not work to me, it was fun and exciting.

Now I find myself impatient about many other questions I have regarding my future: health, money, more children etc. As I reflect on my life all the questions I have had in my life took a long time to be answered for me. I must learn from my past and see that every question I have will be unfolded to me at exactly the right time and space. Impatience is something I must work harder at. Of course there are things I want and questions regarding my future that haunt me but if my life keeps going in the direction of my passions, those answers will come sooner than I think.

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Impatience

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