I had a dream last night that scared me to the point of absolute fear. I was so thankful to hear my daughter saying: “Mommy” to awake me from this nightmare. In my dream I was with one of my friends and my daughter. We were in our local Wa Wa or some sort of convenient store and were literally being branded. The store owner was explaining to us that we had exactly seven days to commit suicide in order to move on to the next phase of our lives. We had exactly seven days to say good bye to our loved ones and if we did not commit suicide within the seven days we would automatically be sent to hell. I remember running as fast as I could with my daughter to our home to find my husband. I could not find him nor any of my family anywhere. My daughter was clinging to me as she could obviously sense my fear. I only had seven days to make a choice and I knew that if I followed the rules that had been put upon me I would have to say good bye to the people I love. The dream literally ended with me holding a gun. I cannot make this stuff up! I couldn’t shoot. The last thing I remember is just standing there holding this gun shaking uncontrollably knowing that I could not leave my life, no matter what anyone told me would happen.
I was so happy to wake up and realize that I did not have to die. My daughter followed me into the bathroom (as always) and I was not even mildly frustrated when she kept saying: “tickle please, tickle please” (which means in toddler terms eat toothpaste.) I was just so happy to be able to hold her and play with her and know that I was not going anywhere!! Nightmares can honestly make you appreciate your life.
Years ago I wanted to die. I was living in a prison called my body and there was no escaping my hell on earth. You spend ten years of your life at the doctor’s office praying that someone can relieve your physical pain and end up each year more depressed and hopeless. I had a lot to live for then but could not appreciate any of it because the pain was in complete control of my mind and body. I really thought the world would be a happier place without me in it. Suicide is the number one death of people who suffer from chronic pain. I understand why, it can be a living hell. I used to wake up every morning with dried tears surrounding my face and it took every fiber of my being to get me out of bed and face the world I wanted out of. Now that I am able to manage my chronic pain and I am healthy, I wake up (most of the time) grateful for my blessings. I am no where near where I was years ago or even a year ago. I struggle every day but I am happy and so grateful to be alive. That nightmare scared the shit out of me but it was only a dream. I used to live that nightmare every waking hour of my life. So much can change in a year. Even more can change in multiple years. If people can take anything from what I share about my journey with chronic pain. I want them to just believe that everything can be okay and life is worth living, despite chronic pain. There are ways to manage pain and be happy, look at me. Years ago I wanted to die because of chronic pain. My pain is still here but death scares me more than it ever has. I have so much to live for and so do you.