Finding Peace

Life can be so difficult to understand sometimes that it is not even worth the time and energy it takes to try and figure certain things out. I have no idea why I fell off my bike the day I did and ended up with brain surgery. I have no idea why I have had two miscarriages. I have no idea why the people in my life who were supposed to love me the most are the people who have caused me the most pain. There are so many questions about why things have happened that I will never know the answer to. Has ever awful thing that has happened to me brought me happiness in the end, no. However, with each terrible thing to happen to me I have grown and I do believe as cliché as it sounds that everything does happen for a reason.
If I did not have brain surgery and chronic pain I would not be the person I am now. I’m not sure who I would be but prior to learning how to manage pain naturally I was never an athletic, healthy person. More importantly, brain surgery and chronic pain have taught me to appreciate life and the little things life offers much more than had I not been given this deck of cards. I have many faults but chronic pain has truly made me an extremely empathetic, understanding, non-judging, kind person. Without chronic pain I never would have become a social worker and I would absolutely not be writing this blog. I would not wish chronic pain on anyone but it has had a profound impact on my life both negatively and positively.

My first miscarriage was February 2nd, 2011. I had a D&C and I can honestly say that was one of the worst days of my life. I hated the whole world and felt like I lost a huge part of myself that day. If I had not had a miscarriage I would have a son who would be around three years of age or close to it. That miscarriage changed my life forever. I lost my job (not really a loss) as I was in one of the biggest depressions of my life and my chronic pain was stirring totally out of control. I’ll never regret being laid off from that job. The miscarriage and job loss happened around the same exact time. I laid on the couch for days crying and feeling awful about my entire life. Then something clicked in me and I decided to turn a negative into a positive and worked on myself. I needed to get my chronic pain under control and needed to find a way to be happy again. Kayci (my daughter) was born February 2nd, 2012, exactly one year to the day of my miscarriage. If I had not miscarried this little girl who is about to turn two never would have entered the world. Yes, this could have been a huge coincidence I just do not believe it was. Call me crazy but my little Kayci is an angel and I thank her older brother for letting her have a life.

I am a stay at home mom and it turns out the pay for stay at home moms is extremely low. My paycheck still has not come in but I would not change my job for all the money in the world. However, I needed to find a way to make some kind of income so I began putting ads out for nannying from our home. We are fortunate to have a large home on a lake with multiple play rooms. I have over ten years experience working with kids both as a Nanny and Social worker so the idea seemed perfect. For the past two months I have been speaking to a woman who has recently had a baby. Long story short after meeting her and her family she decided that I would be the perfect person to hire to watch her son when she went back to work in February. I was going to watch him two days a week and everything was falling into place. I stopped looking for work, was excited to work with them, and felt better about finances. I was going to start in two weeks and just yesterday the woman told me she had a change of heart and the deal was off. It all came down to money and she wants to be home with her son and is going to try and be a stay at home mom. I totally understand her reasoning but I was furious with the situation. Tears welled up in my eyes as I was so confident this was the perfect fit. As I was sitting there, holding my phone in shock I thought I can either sit here and be depressed and start freaking out or I can do something about this now. I got right online and posted a new ad on different nanny sites and starting looking for something else. My daughter and I drove to different places and re-hung the sign that I had used to advertise my services. I’m not going to lie, I’m still pissed and anxious but deep down I know there is a reason why this happened and it means something better is in store for me. In the grand scheme of things that have happened to me this is not a big deal but even little things can stress us out and cause us anxiety. However, if experience has taught me anything it is that sitting around worrying and feeling sad will do nothing for me. I cannot be that upset about something I have zero control over. It wasn’t meant to be. Once I find out what the Universe has in store for me, I’ll let you know.

I do not have the answers why bad things happen: big or small. Looking for the answers is a complete waste of time because they just do not exist. We just have to thank the Universe for giving us another day to try and take the bad things that happen and turn them into something positive. I am thirty two years old and I have had a lot of crap happen to me but man is it true that what does not kill us makes us stronger. Every day/month/year is just a new chapter in our journey called life.

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Finding Peace

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5 thoughts on “Finding Peace

  1. You are such a courageous woman! You have endured so much and you have an incredibly resilient spirit. You must give yourself credit for that. I too was treated poorly by so many in my life that should have been the people that loved me the most. Insight about these situations is important if we are to move forward and know how not to fall back into that deep, dark hole. I recently figured out that the people in my life (mother, twin sister, daughter and two husbands) are narcissists. Come to find out narcissists prey on empathetic, intuitive people because they can manipulate us so well. If your parents were narcissistic it is likely that you will marry a narcissist. I don’t know what your situation is, but I have worked with many social workers and they are typically empaths and highly sensitive people that care deeply about others and will put themselves last. If we use our intuitive skills for our own benefit we can identify these people more easily and have the ability to guard ourselves. I have a girlfriend that is a narcissist and I’m not allowing her to manipulate me so this friendship is in the process of falling apart. That’s probably a good thing. I can feel your pain in your message . . . I am sending you positive energy and peace. Things will work out for the better. I always remember to “let go and let God” That makes my life so much easier! Warmly, Valda

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