“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” I have been working very hard at living in the moment and not worrying about the future. It took me over a decade to find a happy life despite chronic pain so I not ignorant to believe I will suddenly be able to live presently all of the time and not spend time worrying about the future. However, reading this quote (over and over again) has truly helped me. I have had a fair amount to worry about this week and am pleasantly shocked that I have not freaked out. What worries me still is and may often be the fear of pain. I am 90 percent over that fear but it still creeps in now and then. Honestly the fear of pain is often times worse than the pain itself. I realize I write that a lot but it is worth reading a lot.
In the past few days I have met with a doctor about getting pregnant, started a new job, realized our plumbing in our upstairs apartment we rent out is going to hell, and am about to have over sixty people in our home for our daughter’s second birthday. It is a god damn miracle but on a scale of one to ten on my anxiety level I have managed to stay at about a four. I keep reminding myself how much stress and anxiety increase my pain levels and everything I ever worry about ends up working out.
I was not thrilled about going to see my OBGYN today. It has been a place of miracles but also a place of hell. I have found out two times there that I was about to have a miscarriage but it is also one of my happiest places because I lived a good amount of my nine months of pregnancy with Kayci there. I also wasn’t thrilled about seeing happy pregnant women in the waiting room but as I walked through the doors pushing Kayci in her stroller I was filled with peace. The last time I was taking Kayci into a doctor’s office, I was once again looking for a cure to my chronic pain. Every time I took Kayci with me to a pain specialist I felt awful about myself and hated the fact that I had to waste time with my daughter in a doctor’s office knowing that I was doing something that was wrong for me. Today was different. I was walking into a doctor’s office with her for a good and healthy reason. It helped me to see how far I had come. It also made me so thankful that I am never again going to search for that non existent cure to my chronic pain.
I know it is so much easier to say: “Don’t worry, everything will work out. Live for the moment” then to practice it. Sometimes things just start to click like the day I was walking around the lake with my dad and it occurred to me I was not thinking about pain anymore. I wish I had a magic wand for all of us to just cut the worries out of our brain. I look back on my journal and see the things I was so worried about last year and cannot believe I wasted my time worrying about the things that have already worked out.