“You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.” the Buddha
Anger has punished me way too many times and yet I still find it difficult to not feel anger. Anger is one of the biggest triggers for pain to rise if one has chronic pain. Anger will punish me because of chronic pain more so than one who does not live with this invisible illness. Although I manage my pain quite well and have come a long way, I still have days where anger and frustration creeps up on me and I want to punch a wall. Today has been one of those days in which I am just now turning around. We awoke to yet another day of an obnoxious amount of snow that is making it nearly impossible to leave the house. My daughter and I are quite active and anyone who has an active two year old knows how frustrating it can be to be stuck indoors for so many days. I also awoke to the fact that I am yet again not pregnant. Logically, I know for a fact Kayci will have at least one more sibling but I get extremely frustrated each month that I realize I am not yet pregnant. Luckily, I get over it quickly as I know it takes time and I need to just let go and have faith but it still gets to me for a couple hours. Usually, I would get Kayci and we would go for a run and find activities to distract us. However, I have zero control over the weather. Most people in my town and in the surrounding areas have had quite enough of this damn snow!!!
After spending most my morning frustrated, angry, and upset I had to take a time out. I forced myself to do a work out and following that a meditation. Yoga nidra. I have written about it before but I cannot believe what wonders it does and all one has to do is lie down turn on the CD and close their eyes. I do not feel amazing but I feel a lot better than I did this morning. I had to say a mantra prior to beginning the yoga nidra. I repeated: “Let go of your anger and be present and grateful.” I have to take many deep breaths today and do my very best to work on the things I am grateful for. As I write this the weather man is explaining that more snow is arriving tonight into tomorrow. I will continue to breathe!