Last week my daughter was diagnosed with a simple ear infection. She had been congested, not sleeping, coughing etc. The normal two year old colds that will just not go away. I always try to go the natural route but I could not stand to watch her crying in her sleep one more night because she was having difficulty swallowing and breathing. I knew she needed to see her doctor. She is now doing great and just a small cough remains. However, of course having her sleep basically on top of me for so many nights she was sick, I got whatever she had. I have been fighting it for days. I always think: I have had brain surgery and have chronic pain, I can handle a sinus infection. I have been drinking my apple cider vinegar, making extra juices, and “trying” to rest. That last part isn’t really true. I even tried my good friends remedy (she loves natural remedies as well) and mixed a tablespoon of chopped up garlic with honey and downed it, not once but three times. As I was about to swallow my fourth tablespoon of this mixture this past Saturday, my husband noticed I had been eating dead ants. Apparently the honey was quite old and ants had made their way into the honey and now into me. I just laughed because seriously this is such a “Jessica” thing to happen. Point being, I have tried everything and last night I started getting worse and made a solid decision to call my primary care doctor the next morning (meaning this am.)
I awoke this morning petrified to call the doctor. It is almost like I have slight PTSD from all of my life spent in doctor’s offices. Only now I hate it more because it reminds me of the months after my daughter was born bringing her to my pain specialist appointments and the guilt I felt bringing her to my doctor appointments. I never go to the doctor anymore unless it is regarding getting pregnant. I woke up petrified for the day ahead of me. It felt like the “old days” even though going to see my PCP for a sinus infection is quite different from seeing a pain specialist it was not sitting well with me. As crappy as I felt I did an interval workout to help me anxiety about calling my doctor. I was planning on going to see the doctor today. I called right at eight am and there were some availabilities for me to go today but I froze and made the appointment for tomorrow morning. I will definitely go because if something is on my calendar and planned I do it. And now that I have had the day to reflect on my fears, I am totally at peace with taking my two year old to see my PCP.
It is so amazing to me that I used to see doctors at least twice a week and now that I never go I am petrified to even make an appointment with my PCP for something that has nothing to do with chronic pain. Look at the little face in this picture. This little girl is my world and I want to always do what is best for her and our future children. This morning truly proved that I will never go back to pain specialists, medications, or treatments for chronic pain. I guess I too am still carrying around some guilt regarding my journey with chronic pain.
We are all so hard on ourselves, its quite ridiculous. I read a quote recently that said: “Behind every great kid is a mother who swears she is screwing the child’s life up.”