For most people who do not suffer from chronic pain today would have been what Alexander from one of my favorite books as a child would call a “No Good, Very Bad, Terrible Day!” Having survived brain surgery and accepted chronic pain today was pretty awful however, not as bad as days in my darkest hours of chronic pain.
Kayci woke me up just before six in the morning and we did our routine. Today’s routine consisted of yoga (Bob Harper style) juicing, playing, cleaning, and yoga nidra (meditation.) It quickly took an insane turn as I was driving to the grocery store and my mom called me. She rarely if ever calls me before noon so I had a gut feeling something was wrong: children’s intuition? I was correct. My mother was balling her eyes out and it took many minutes for her to explain to me what had happened. Unfortunately, her best friend died a few days ago and was just found late last night in her home. My heart literally dropped as she was talking to me and I knew I had to drive the fifty minutes it takes to get to her house. I did not want her alone and knew my two year old would cheer her up. I grabbed diapers and a sippy cup and was out the door in record time. Driving there was difficult so I sang with my daughter the entire drive and was very shocked and proud of my mother’s strength and courage. I am sure she is still in the shock phase as she has only just lost her best friend. The social worker/mother/daughter/caregiver in me took over and everything else in my world was forgotten. We stayed with her for hours and did not leave until I was sure she would not be alone for the remainder of the night. I was very excited to get home as my two year old was screaming binkie (something I forgot on my mad rush to leave) and just wanted to get her and I some dinner and rest. About twenty minutes before getting home I heard my little girl puking in the back seat. I felt completely helpless as I was on a very busy highway. The second I was able to, I pulled over and helped her the best I could. We arrived home and the first thing I did was put her in the bathtub, which as this picture shows cheered her up a great deal.
Sometimes in life with chronic pain/anxiety you do not need to find distractions from your pain, they come to you in some awful ways. Yes, today was awful and I feel terrible for my mother but know in my heart she will be okay.
If any of this had happened ten years ago I would have been too much in my own misery/depression and pain to really help my mother. People would have seen it as selfish but when you are in a place that I was with chronic pain there was literally no way I was able to help anyone else. I could barely keep myself alive, much less help anyone even those I love. That is not easy to admit but is a huge reason why I chose to live with my pain naturally and find a way to find happiness and life despite chronic pain. It is why I am able to be a good daughter and mother now because I am able to take care of myself physically and emotionally.
Did the stress of today intensify my pain levels? Trick question. I am not going to answer that! I will practice what I preach and try as hard as possible not to think, talk, or dwell on my pain. It is what keeps me sane and lowers my pain. The people I love are healthy (despite the puke) and I am in a place to help the ones I love. As awful as today was/is I am writing this to show the world that despite chronic pain you can still have a purpose and be there for the ones you love. It truly is the best distraction for me.