Nothing is Impossible

One of the biggest struggles I have ever faced in my journey with chronic pain is facing the people who did not believe I had an invisible illness. Once the physical scars were gone and I looked totally healthy many people found it quite impossible to believe I was suffering in constant pain. I wanted to scream: “I SWEAR I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN AND I NEED HELP! PLEASE BELIEVE ME!” Sometimes the things we cannot see are impossible to believe. With age, lessons, and wisdom I frankly do not care if anyone believes that I have chronic pain. I get frustrated at times with the people that love me and know my journey that sometimes seem to forget I am still fighting an every day battle. However, I am doing so well with my chronic pain management that it rarely ever gets to me. I spent so many years wanting to prove to people that I did have chronic pain and was not just seeking attention or whatever people may have thought. The energy I used worrying about what people thought and trying to prove to them that I truly had chronic pain even though the only physical scar still showing was under my long brown hair was very self destructive. Trying to prove to others that I was in pain only made the pain worse and wasted so much of my time.

My grandmother whom I called/call La La passed away when Kayci was just about eight months or so. She died peacefully at home with my dad, my daughter, and I in her bed with her. She was under hospice care and there were multiple nights we said goodbye to her because the nurses did not believe she would make it through the night. During each of those goodbyes there were many tears and many hugs and just a lot of sadness surrounding my La La. Each morning I awoke by three am, ran downstairs to see if she was still breathing. All my medical social worker skills went out the window once it came to the person I loved. Each morning that I came to her bed she was still breathing and I talked to her: most of the team with tears running down my face. The following day my daughter, my dad, and I were in bed with her watching Baby Einstein. Kayci was so young but her love of music had already begun. She was jumping all around La La’s bed and my dad and I were laughing. Kayci has been hysterical since she could sit up on her own. While Baby Mozart was playing and the three of us were giggling I looked down at my grandmother and realized she had stopped breathing. I know in my heart she waited until there was joy around her which that morning there was. She never did like a fuss over her.

Many years ago for Christmas, I made La La a stuffed monkey from Build a Bear. I dressed the monkey I had made in only boxers and she thought it was hysterical. She kept it in bed with her from that day forward. I am not sure if she slept with the monkey or not but it was always in her bed. From that Christmas forward I made La La a different Build a Bear but no other stuffed animal ever entered her bedroom, just the monkey in his boxers. After she passed it was one of the possessions of hers that I knew I wanted to keep. Months went by and I slowly forgot about the monkey as I was bombarded with so many toys and stuffed animals for Kayci. The stuffed monkey just got tossed in the mix of endless stuffed animals belonging to Kayci. About nine months ago my little girl began carrying the stuffed monkey everywhere and called her: Emmie. To this day she always has to know where Emmie is. This past Monday as I was getting ready to head out I looked down at Kayci and noticed she was holding Emmie. I said to her: “Is that Kayci’s Emmie?” She looked at me with such strong eyes and conviction and said: “No Mommy, La La’s Emmie.” For clarification I never talked to Kayci about the stuffed monkey being La La’s favorite thing or even associating Emmie to La La. I was stunned for a few seconds and had chills. I began talking to my grandmother, which I will do on occasion when I need someone to talk to: whether or not she hears me doesn’t matter. I just like to talk to her. I now am 100 percent sure La La is watching over us. After she passed, my husband and I bought her home and decided to make her wish come true and fill her home with babies and love. She always wanted me to raise my family in her home and my husband helped make that dream come true.

I told the story about Kayci, Emmie and La La to multiple people and I am sure many did not believe it was anything spectacular as I believe it is. Well, I know for a fact people do not believe she is around and there was a connection in that story because they flat out told me so. I do not care if anyone believes me just as I do not care if anyone believes I have chronic pain. Like I said, it is very hard for people to believe what they cannot see. Why does it matter if anyone believes me or has the same thoughts as I do? I know what I believe, I know I have chronic pain, and I know I will make my dreams come true. That is all that matters.

I know how frustrating it can be to have people doubt you have chronic pain but you are not alone and I believe each and every one of you. All that really matters is what you know to be true. Do not waste your energy on those who do not believe you no matter what your truth is. It truly is a waste of time, energy, and living your life to the fullest.

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Nothing is Impossible

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8 thoughts on “Nothing is Impossible

  1. I wasted time on getting people to believe me. I think it had something to do with me getting to believe the situation I was in. But now, like you, I just don’t waste time on convincing others that I’m sick. Good blog. I had a Nana that was so special. I have things of hers with me and I feel her near me, too.

  2. Sam says:

    Hi Jess,
    Love the story about the your daughter, the stuffed monkey & your grandmother, it tugged at my heart & do believe our loved ones are watching over us. I’ve really struggled w/ my relationship w/ my older brother because for almost 7-8 years he didn’t believe I was suffering chonic pain. He called me just about every derogatory name in the book, accusing me of being a junkie, a bum, et.. and would chew me out often about how I was screwing up my life b/c I was so lazy, etc.. (as I have to lay down a lot to relieve, leg, foot, & back pain). I had moved in w/ him 2 months after surgery (at his urging) & was really struggling to hold down jobs. I had no $ to get out of this situation & although I do understand not worrying about what others think it’s hard to ignore when it’s from loved ones & I did & do care what he thinks b/c I wanted a relationship w/ him. The ugliness I went through on a daily basis for about a year and a half (until i found another place to live) definitely contributed to feelings of worthlessness, loss of self-confidence, self esteem, & thoughts of suicide. I confronted him the best I could although my lack of self-confidence made it hard for me to assert myself. Hearing those things for so long I had started believing it to be true & our relationship (until about 2yrs ago) was almost damaged beyond ever finding a resolution. Until he finally had a herniation in his neck and then through my constant urging he did some research on damaged nerves & chronic pain. I struggled w/ trusting him at all. I do not really care what most ppl think about chronic pain but when it’s people u love & respect and want the same in return it is much harder to not want them to understand as much as they possibly can. I don’t disagree w/ the post but it is definitely something easier said than done in some situations. I’ve lost friends, girlfriends, and jobs from ppl not believing or understanding what managing chronic pain is or takes but I wasn’t willing to lose my brother. Talking to a therapist helped me a lot w/ my relationship w/ pain & my loved ones who may never really understand c. pain or believe me but I think there are times when it’s much harder to just let ppl remain ignorant to what you’re going through & living with.
    Thank you for starting this conversation.

    • I could not agree with you more! In fact tomorrows blog post is directly abt friends I lost that were like family to me due to cp!

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  3. What a beautiful true story and when you said about your daughter saying the monkey was your grandmothers even I got a chill lol! Hopedully that monkey will last many years and might accompany even another generation to pass this story on xx

  4. Reblogged this on The Pursuit of Joy Neverending and commented:
    Be prepared to cry!

    I have to break this up into two different sections, otherwise I think I will start blubbering, lol

    1. Invisible Illness
    Anyone who has chronic pain has at one time or another been treated like they were gaming the system so to speak. Because I first started having problems before I was even out of high school with Fibro and chronic migraines then the back pain started when I was 21, inevitably by medical professionals I was treated like a druggy. All of that went away as soon as they saw my scans most of the time but there was certainly never an apology. I had spinal surgery in 2007 and have been on Percocet now for ten years next month. It makes me furious when doctors treat me like some kind of whiny baby or drug seeker, but when someone I know thinks things like that and are blind to the obvious it really hurts my feelings. One good example is that a friend of mine (loosely) thought that I went through the charade so that I could get high and be lazy. Another example is at a family gathering when I was feeling so poorly I could hardly stand someone asked my husband how I was doing. He responded explaining how I had been rather ill that year and really shouldn’t be at the gathering as I was feeling so badly and in so much pain and the other person says, “Well, she looks fine to me…” :0 Puh
    Too bad my pain levels aren’t what they Look Like to someone else.

    2. LaLa and Emmie
    My daughter was four when my grandfather passed. We were in another country at the time and had been for the majority of her life. She had seen him the previous summer but before that not since she was a year old. This didn’t stop her from talking about him all the time and telling me how much she missed him. It just grabs your heart and wrings you dry when these babies are so ‘in touch’. Your story is just beautiful and reminded me of these moments. I believe that children are much more attuned than we are and have no doubt that they can see angels, etc. Many times I have heard one of our children having actual conversations with Somebody at night before they go to sleep. My grandmother also told me that many times before her mother passed that she spoke with relatives in Heaven. It was during the year before she went, my grandmother would go to check on her mother, and her arms would be uplifted to the ceiling and when she was finished she would relay the conversation of family members long dead. I think it is fair to believe that those newly part of the worId and those about to leave it are more attuned to things which we are not. I find all of these things incredibly comforting.

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