I realized this weekend how much I am still projecting life into the future. As I was running yesterday, instead of enjoying the run I was thinking about what time I would get Kayci to nap and if I would have time to practice yoga nidra as I was very drained. Once home from our run I was rushing to make my juice instead of enjoying the process, which can be quite therapeutic. I spent the majority of yesterday focusing on the future. It was not until my head hit the pillow and my daughter fell asleep next to me that I realized how very blessed I was. I thought of this movie: “One True Thing” as I said to Kayci as she slept so soundly: “you are my one true thing little one.” I then began reading my book and was so close to the end stayed awake until the book was finished.
We spend so much of our time thinking about the future that we rarely allow ourselves to enjoy anything. How many people are thinking about what they are going to make for dinner before the clock has even hit nine am? Once in bed at night, how many people look at the clock to calculate how many hours of sleep they will get instead of enjoying a book or just letting go? How much of our time is spent thinking about what we do not have instead of enjoying what we do?
Now that I am going to see a fertility doctor and am at peace with our decision to do so, I realize how many hours I have wasted thinking about our second child instead of enjoying every little ounce of the one child I have now. Anyone, that knows me knows how much I love Kayci and that the greatest thing about me is the way I am as a mother. I am very hard on myself about so many things but I never take my daughter for granted. Love is not a strong enough word for how I feel about my baby. Its a love that at times actually hurts. However, I have stressed so much about getting pregnant that I have lost some precious moments with my now two year old: my one true thing. Ironically, she is the reason I want more children. I read something recently that said: “Never give up on something you cannot go a day without thinking about.” That is how I know I will have another child and Kayci will have a sibling. Until then, I really do want to enjoy having this time where it is just her and I because once we do have our second child things are going to change a lot. I want to live in the moment and it is the hardest thing to do at times. How else can I truly be happy though?
No matter where you are in life there are things to be happy about. I probably would not have thought or ever written that when I was in the beginning stages of chronic pain so I totally understand how people can read that and be like: “Yea right!? How the hell can I find happiness when I am in pain twenty four, seven?” I get it! Just keep going because it will get better. Movies are one of the greatest distractions from pain or stress and I truly suggest this movie. It is a movie I think about on a weekly basis. “It is so much easier to be happy.”