“I don’t want my pain and struggle to make me a victim. I want my battle to make me someone else’s hero.”
I was in bed last night trying to read and I could not stop thinking about the pain I was in. If you follow my blog you know I do not use that word however sometimes it slips out just like a curse word sometimes slips out in front of my two year old. Shit happens. It has been a long time since I could not take my focus away from pain. My pain behaviors were in full force: I was frantically rubbing my face, head, and neck knowing that I needed to stop but it is like an addiction. Pain behaviors feel good for the moments you are doing them but it the long run just run you down. I kept thinking: wow this was my life for ten plus years. I never went a moment without feeling like this. This used to take up every waking hour but now only comes once and a while and I know why. What hit me even harder was that I was feeling once again what many of my readers are feeling non stop. I know this because that used to be my life. In a very odd way I was almost thankful I was having such a difficult time because A. I re-evaluated my day and realized what I could/should have done differently and B. I was able to feel my reader’s pain and now be that much more helpful ( I hope.) The difference between last night and my years chronic pain ruled my world is that I knew I would wake up today and last night would be left there. I knew I would wake up to a new day and not focus on chronic pain. I woke up this morning and started over. I did a kickboxing routine which my daughter finds hysterical, danced in the shower, made an amazing ginger/orange juice, and practiced yoga nidra.
Monday and Tuesday of this week were so busy I was not able to include the components I need to manage my pain. I did not practice meditation (at all), I ran myself into the ground, and I did not put much if any focus on myself. The good news is that I learned from it. The even better news is that the way I manage chronic pain obviously works. It is no coincidence I had one of the worst nights I have had in months last night: I did not practice the tools I preach to everyone. I lived as though I did not have chronic pain. I lived like I could take a pain killer if things got bad which I got rid of a long time ago.
The empathy I have for so many of my readers who are facing that non stop pain every second of every day is so strong I want to reach through my computer, gather you all around me and just tell you: It will be okay. Last night reminded me of how awful chronic pain can be and why I seriously came to points in my life where I no longer wanted to go on. Please do not give up hope and remember that it can and will get better. Last night was awful but what an amazing reminder to know that I no longer have to live like that and neither do you. I get why you want to give up, I get why if there is pain medicine there you will take it, I get it all. It does not have to be your life. Chronic pain does not have to define your life. It may make some moments awful (like my night last night) but that’s not a definition of my life, twas just a reminder. Chronic pain destroyed so much of my life, I will not let it ever take me away again. Chronic pain is now my reason for writing this blog and a huge reason I feel I was put into this world.