I awoke this morning with a calm that I rarely awake with. I usually awake in a panic that comes from my chronic pain and anxiety. Hence why I never waste time lying in bed in my panic fearing things that will most likely never happen. I exercise the second after I brush my teeth and yes even sleep in my workout clothes. My daughter and I left for a run before seven and it was one of the most peaceful, happy runs I have had in months. The weather was amazing but it was more than that. I just felt calm and had this sense that everything was going to work out. I am no longer worried about getting pregnant as our fertility doctor found the issue which is quite small and an easy fix and I realized while running that I just want to live a simpler life without always jumping to the next thing. I live a very simple, happy life despite my chronic pain and anxiety but it is never easy. This morning as we ran I felt a peace that I cannot be expressed with words. I was happy.
We arrived home and my dad was in my kitchen. He told me that my Pop Pop had passed away last night. He has been on hospice and was in his eighties and no longer wanted to suffer but any loss is hard. As a child I was extremely close to my father’s dad. He babysat me all the time and we had a Sunday tradition to meet at McDonalds before church each week. Most of my birthday parties were held in his home because he had an indoor pool. Once he moved to Virginia with his wife (whom is a grandmother to me) I never missed a chance to visit him on his farm. It was the greatest parts of my summers. I loved his mini farm. I was allowed to drive the lawnmower, swim in the pool, walk along the creek, stay up late and be spoiled with candy, and lay in the hammock reading for hours on end. There were many times my friends and I would take the train to visit the Virginia farm and I know some of my friends have amazing memories from their farm in Virginia. Later in life, after my bike accident and life got crazy for everyone my Pop Pop and his wife Terry moved to Arizona and I rarely was able to see them as I once had. I have so many great memories with my Pop Pop but what I am most grateful for is how he and my Grandmother, La La raised my dad. My dad truly is an angel and although I am sad today because I love my Pop Pop but my heart really hurts for my dad. He is the strongest most giving man in the world and I never want him to feel any pain. I know that is not rational because with love and life comes pain but I do not have to like it.
I am not a very religious person but I am quite spiritual and know that there is something out there far greater than you or I can ever imagine. I worked as an elderly social worker for almost ten years and saw death on a daily basis. One of my main jobs was counseling families through the grieving process. I never got numb as some social workers do to the heartache of death but this quote from one of my favorite shows of all time makes me feel comforted. “Why do people have to die?” I could never find an answer that made any sense to me until the show Six Feet Under came out and the character Nate’s response still comes to mind: “To make life important.” When I start sweating the small stuff and worrying about things that will most likely never happen I think about how life can just take a quick turn in a second.
It is the first of May and if you are following my blog or are just human, you probably have problems in your life as we all do: chronic pain or not. Take a minute today and let the people you love know you love them. Give them that extra hug. Sometimes it is truly better to be happy than right. Spread some love and kindness today even if you are hurting. Sometimes when I am having the most difficult days, making someone else feel better takes away some of my pain.
I love you Pop Pop and I love you Dad.
This post is dedicated to both of you