“And sometimes it hits me out of nowhere, all of a sudden, this overwhelming sadness rushes over me. And I get discouraged and I get upset and I feel hopeless, sad, and hurt. And once again, I feel numb to the world.” Anon
I want my story/journey with chronic pain and my life in general to be inspiring but I also have to be honest as well. If I only write when things are awesome then my readers will begin to think that I am some super hero who has solved her chronic pain, and literally never has a bad day. In general I have an amazing life but sometimes life just knocks us down and it is difficult to see past the tears and sadness. I have not written since my birthday. Things have been quite difficult for me since this last weekend but there are only so many days I can feel sad. I will not go into major details of everything that has transpired since Saturday but life has been very rough with sleepless nights and way too many tears. I remember now what it feels like to feel totally alone even when surrounded by a great deal of people. I do think that is the greatest loneliness there is. My inner child is screaming to be held and comforted but the only person who can do that for her is myself: the thirty three year old mother of one. I am amazing at helping others but when life knocks me down hard, I have the most difficult time helping myself. Ten years ago, I would have gone out with friends drinking or done something really stupid to only make my problems worse but times have changed. I am a mother and people count on me on a daily basis. I cannot run away from my problems because my two year old needs me every second of every day and I will always make sure I live up to being the mother I vowed to be. The fact that she has seen me cry multiple times this week breaks my heart. She is used to the fun, silly Mommy who is playing music and dancing with her.
The one thing I can be proud of is that throughout this sadness I have not drifted away from the tools I use to manage chronic pain naturally. I have exercised each day and because crying makes you feel beyond exhausted have practiced yoga nidra (meditative heart of yoga, which aids in rest and relaxation) the past two days. Chronic pain is clearly not the only invisible illness there is: there are way too many to name and count. However, this week has made me remember what it feels like to feel depressed with no relief and anxious, waking up with a pit in my stomach that seems impossible to get rid of. I am in such a better place in life than I was a year ago but sometimes all pain demands to be felt, especially emotional. I have to remind myself that I am truly doing the best I can. I have to practice what I preach to my readers on a daily basis. The only thing I know is that things always get better, always. I always get back up when life knocks me down and clearly my readers do as well or you would not even be reading this blog. I mean that. I’m writing this to remind myself and all of you that this week was a huge reminder to me of how awful pain (physical and emotional) can be. I know how each one of you feels and it can be pretty damn awful. I hate admitting this, but right now I am right there with you. What I do know from experience and wisdom is that life gets better. Maybe all bad things happen at once so we are able to appreciate all the little great things life has to offer once we get through the downers. I am not writing this post for any pity as we all know that is the last thing any of us want. I am writing this for you. I want you all to know that at times I am in a bad place too, however I am still able to see a huge light at the end of the tunnel and I need you to do the same. It is okay if life knocks you down and sometimes pain does demand to be felt. I have been so hard on myself this week for feeling so down when I do have so much to be grateful for but I need to remind myself and you that being hard on yourself is possibly the worse thing to do when you are going through hell. My inner child needs me and it is time I start taking care of her.