Biggest Fear

“My biggest fear is that someday you will see me as I see myself.” Anon

This quote almost brought tears to my eyes because it truly can relate to most people I have encountered in my lifetime: chronic pain or no chronic pain. The second I read it I felt something hard in my gut and knew I had to write. People look at me and I’m the pretty girl who works out, is a great mom, and has a loving family: the girl who just has it all. For example, often people ask me: “Why do you work out, you look great!” I don’t work out to look good, I work out because it is my second best tool to managing chronic pain and anxiety. I obviously, never go into detail as to why I adore exercise because people would not understand and I honestly do not have the energy to tell people why I do the things I do. People see how I appear on the outside but no one knows, but myself how I feel on the inside.

I do believe without self love, one is going to struggle through life until they are able to love themselves and I am not talking about how we appear on the outside. I am very proud of how far I have come with the battles I have been given in life but I do not always love myself. Many of us have never truly healed from our past which makes it quite difficult to love ourselves. Some of us were never taught self love. I wish there was a class from elementary school to college that taught us how to love ourselves. Is that not more important than calculus, which we use a damn calculator for anyways? Or wood shop and making bird houses? “Look mom I can make a birdhouse but I think I’m ugly and no one likes me.”

Yes, I find it very sad that many of us need to be taught how to love ourselves but it is the reality of our world. I could go on and on for the reasons why self love is so hard but you know deep down your own reasons. The way I think of myself is not always positive to say the least. I try and work on it daily but this quote does relate to me at times. I do not have all the answers about anything. I know tons about chronic pain and what emotions come with it and ways to manage it naturally and I do practice what I preach or there would be no reason for this blog. However, there are times I am happy people cannot see me the way I see myself which just makes me sad. People can tell you they love you and give you compliments but when you put your head on your pillow at night those words will never matter if you do not believe them yourself. I think today we should all practice seeing the good things in us instead of focusing on the bad. No on else’s opinion in the end matters if we are not feeling good with ourselves. I give so much love out as I know so many of my amazing readers do but maybe today we should truly (no joke) start working on loving ourselves more.

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Biggest Fear

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9 thoughts on “Biggest Fear

  1. I have that fear about so many things. Not just that people will see me the way I see myself, but that people will really see me and then they won’t love me. I read something recently (I think it was in The Happiness Project). The author talked about how she complimented a guy because he just seemed to be glowing and his response was something like “thanks. I really love myself.” and how we should all be able to say that. Yet, when we do people think it’s cocky or something. Children love themselves just as they are, why do we grow out of that? (Nevermind, I remember. I think it’s called middle school).

  2. Reblogged this on A Modern Ukrainian and commented:
    Hey Jess,

    Thank you for sharing. That really is my biggest fear.The fear that forces all my anxieties and pain and shit to the surface, is that I have to break my “It’s fine It’s fine It’s all great!!!!!!!” exterior if I ever want to be honest.

    I feel trapped between pretending I am Superwoman OR laying out my life’s story to rando’s because they asked how it it’s going… and I couln’t fine my plasticky fake smile to brush them off. It’s also what makes me feel so desperatly alone even when I have cheerleaders of my own. Because I know they would all leave and dissapear if they had to deal with the ugly painful hole that lives inside there ya know?

    I’ve been struggling with this idea of self-love or self-care and I honestly can’t decide if I think it is hooey or not. I can fill countless journals of “positive thinking” or deconstruct my worries to rational and reasonable thoughts .. but I dont FEEL it. I FEEL like everyone who has left has a perfectly valid reason, that I wouldnt be around myself if I could help it. And I often try to get as far away from myself as possible.

    I’ve never understood moderation. Whether it be love or loathing.. I only ever feel one or the other. and that goes for myself too. Most days I wake up devestated that the week is not further along, devestated that I will have to subject more people to my pathertic company, my lazy worthless self that refuses to even help herself with basic positive choices.

    So thank you Jess! Today is a good day for this motto so I will try to apply it best I can.

    “No on else’s opinion in the end matters if we are not feeling good with ourselves.”

  3. Sam says:

    Great post Jess, I’m sure chronic pain plays a role in my own self loathing but I also know to a large degree it was there long before there was physical pain. With where I’m at in my life (not working, living in parents basement in thirties) I’m quite embarrassed by where my life has ended up & afraid others feel the same way about me as I do. All the explanations about how dramatically CP has affected me don’t mean anything when I feel deep down that it’s my own fault for having CP and where my life has ended up. Great quote and a good reminder to dig deeper than the physical repercussions of pain. Will keep this quote in mind.

    • You are all making my eyes fill up. I LOVE YOU! YOU did not ask for chronic pain Sam. I hate how much it has ruined me in so many ways but it is not our fault. That is like saying a person with Cancer feels that they caused it. Its normal to get frustrated and sad and the shit that happens due to cp in and out of our control SUCK. We just gotta keep going. You are doing the very best you can and I know that Sam.

  4. Sam says:

    Ty Jess, it’s good to hear,… convincing myself it’s all true, well that’s the hard part.
    I know I never asked for or expected to end up with CP but the way I worked, neglected, & punished my body through work and play makes me sometimes feel (often feel) it’s my own fault that I ended up like this. I do understand what you’re saying though & it’s something I’ve talked about in therapy and tried to correct and practice but like a lot of people, I’m sure, this post especially hit home and brought to the surface those feelings of worthlessness and that I somehow deserve this, that lately I’ve been able to push down quite well but unless I really deal w/ these feelings they seem to remain. I know it’s irrational and that no one is solely responsible or deserving of suffering but I guess it’s one of the many by-products of CP, anxiety, & depression that can be so devastating. Thank you for your kind words and bringing up this subject b/c it’s something I still need to deal with and try to resolve. This is one of the reasons I love your posts & your support so much Jess and why I check your blog several times a day.
    -it’s strange how my heart breaks for everyone else’s story or circumstances yet I still blame myself for ending up w/ chronic pain.
    – I hope the best for all of you that are suffering and hope that I too can learn to love myself and find the same compassion & understanding that I gladly give to all of you. I wish the best of luck to all of us. Thanks again Jess.

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