Lets just put the obvious out there:
1. Yes it is two fifteen am where I live on the East Coast (I usually sleep until five) However I did get more sleep than the night before so cannot bitch. I can, but what’s the point?
2. I look absolutely ridiculous in this picture and I am sure my two year old one day will look at this and say: “Mommy is this a mug shot?” More of an “insomnia shot” lets be clear.
If you read my post from yesterday than you know I was in for a long ass day. I was awake the entire night before (no exaggeration) and would not have a second to just rest or practice yoga nidra (my life saver.) If you do not know yet what yoga nidra is please let me know because it is truly a life saving tool for people with or without chronic pain. I was so exhausted yesterday (and I only slept about five hours last night but today has to be easier) that I was completely loopy. I truly felt drunk or on some kind of drug I never tried in my college years. The Jessica of past would have bitched the entire day about how tired I was and make remarks like “I will never get through this damn day!” I would have acted miserable which would have only intensified the negative thoughts and feelings. The Jessica of present did the opposite. I felt loopy and drunk and so I went with it. After I wrote yesterday I did work out for an hour at home. People will never understand how I am able to exercise feeling sick, dealing with chronic pain, or in this case with no sleep. I do not work out to look like Jillian Michaels (clearly) I work out because it is in my top three things to do naturally to manage chronic pain and anxiety. Plus, don’t hate me: I love working out. I change the ways in which I exercise on a day to day basis. I wish I could run six miles a day but that is overdoing it for me. I have to add in yoga, kickboxing, walking, stretching, dancing, and mild lifting. If I was not cognizant on my body and chronic pain, I would over do it often. Because, once I am working out and good music is on I don’t like to stop. However, as a person with chronic pain I honestly don’t have a choice. If we, all of us living with chronic pain did not practice moderation we would be lying in bed twenty four hours a day/seven days a week.
The rest of the morning carried on as always: possibly a little louder, slower and messier but everything got done. I made my juice and had breakfast with my two year old. My in-laws were able to watch Kayci so that I could get the biggest Starbucks ever and get the food shopping done. Which, brings me to this fabulous picture of myself: eating a mixture of nuts and dried fruit with my espresso in the bathroom stall at Starbucks. I am sure people thought I was nuts (if you know me you know I do not really care what people think, especially people I do not know.) I was in the bathroom stall of Starbucks eating and laughing at myself. I am sure no one else would find that funny but at that moment I thought it was hilarious. I really did not want to see anyone I knew because I truly did not want to talk to anyone until the coffee was at least in my system. I am not so sure I was able to complete full sentences at this point either so the stall did me just fine. I then proceeded with caution to Wegman’s grocery store. Of course I forgot my list but that had zero to do with running on empty. Out of the hundred times I have made a list for groceries, I maybe remember to bring the list to the store one tenth of the time. I was too tired to read anyways. I got my groceries and checked out and headed into yet another bathroom stall, this time to actually use the bathroom. As I came out of the restroom I said quite loud: “Oh my God someone bought all the things I did, our carts are the same.” A kind woman next to me whispered: “Hunny, that is your cart.” All I said to her in return was: “Thanks, damn insomnia.” Then I started laughing again. I am sure a few customers in their weekly lines at Wegmans thought: I want whatever she is having. I was a crazy mess but I was laughing and far from miserable.
I arrived home, cleaned and put the groceries away (I think, shit.) Ok, phew we are good my fridge is packed with the healthy food I always buy. Moving on. I then got the kids ready for the pool. If you are a mother or father you know what a job it can be getting a five year old and a two year old ready to go the pool. Bathing suits, snacks, water, pool toys, towels, stroller, and of course sunscreen. A few hours into playing at the pool I did start to get very tired and began feeling like crap. I did not want to go there so I jumped into the splash pool with the kids and did bear crawls through the fountains and then played some sort of toddler football for awhile. Hearing my daughter’s voice yell: “Ookie Mommy! I got it!!!!!” with such conviction and happiness filled me with laughter and joy. I could have sat on one of the pool chairs and been tired and miserable but I honestly did not want to. Therefor, I stayed in the pool with the kids and became a big kid myself.
At six o’clock the little girl I nanny for (my second daughter as I call her) was picked up and I was able to eat dinner and lay down. I am pretty sure I watched three episodes of Barney before I crashed which had to have been around eight. So, we are making headway! Five hours of sleep is better than nothing. I’m not going to lie and say I feel rested and awesome but I am totally choosing distractions and laughter today to combat any feelings of fatigue.
The point of this post is really just how I do try and manage my life as a whole; especially my life with chronic pain. Who the hell wants to think about pain? Usually the fear of pain is far worse than the pain itself anyways. Today, when Kayci awoke me from a bad dream I could not fall back asleep. I tossed and turned and started hating the clock and counting the hours I had slept and how many I could still sleep through until my mind was filled with so many numbers I just got up. The fear of hours lost because was wide awake was making me anxious so I brushed my teeth, ate a granola bar and wrote to all of you. We really can separate the mind from how we feel. Yes, I am sure it may be a long day but so was yesterday and yesterday turned out to be hilarious and fun. So, why not today? I understand it is beyond difficult to not think about pain especially if you are in the midst of hell and searching for answers, I get it far too well. Laughter is a distraction anyone can use. Surround yourself with people that make you laugh or at least think you are damn funny. Watch a funny movie or a funny TV show (except Barney it is not funny unless you are of the age of 2.) Hey, if all else fails go to a coffee shop, buy your coffee and snack and eat in their restroom. I am still laughing at this picture.