“We often want it so badly that we ruin it before it begins: over-thinking, fantasizing, imagining, expecting, worrying, doubting. Just let it naturally evolve.”
What is it that you want so much at this present time that seems to be an impossibility? Someone you love? More stability? A child? Peace? Alchemy? Chronic pain relief? All of the above?
Most of my readers are definitely looking at the last choice and who the hell can blame you? Even I would love total relief from chronic pain forever but I am at peace with that not happening and much happier than I was when I was forcing myself and the Universe to take my chronic pain away. Over-thinking, Expecting, Worrying, and Doubting only increased my pain until one day I had to just let go. Letting go of that control was not my idea, in fact it was the last thing I wanted to do but I did it. I never wanted to accept a life with chronic pain but once I started doing things that were healthy for me in general and stopped focusing on pain, the less I noticed the pain. It took every ounce of effort and strength I had in me and I had to practice a natural pain management lifestyle for close to a year before I started seeing any results but I’ll never regret the decision to let go. That does not mean I just sat around and let things happen on their own quite the opposite but I did let go of the primary focus of a cure and that was when my life truly began.
We are a world of immediate gratification. When we want something, we want it now! Most of us do not just allow things to naturally evolve. There are many things in my life I still forget to just let naturally evolve and all that does is cause me stress, anxiety, and higher pain levels. I know it is a very cliché thing to say but everything does end up working out if we let go of wanting control. There have been so many times in my life that I thought without this or that I will never be happy. This is just not true. Awful things do happen in our lives, they just do and there is nothing we can do about the things we cannot control. Relationships end, people pass away, some of us (many) lose our jobs, people leave, we fall off bicycles and end up having brain surgery that will result in a life with chronic pain: I could write a novel on the bad shit that can happen, but that would be the opposite tone of the post I am sharing. I remember when I was young and my “first love” broke up with me. I thought I was going to die. I just laid on our living room couch for days crying and having my closest friends and dad spoon feed me soup because I was too heartbroken to eat. I was seventeen, we didn’t have cell phones and to connect to the internet you would have to turn your land lines off and wait about five minutes to connect to this insane thing called the “internet” and “AOL.” I am very happy about this because God knows how many times “Teenager Jessica” would have been texting and emailing the boy that left me. I remember my dad telling me that everything would be okay and I just needed to let go and give it time. Did I listen to him? I was seventeen and an insecure girl so no, but I do remember his words. He has maybe had to repeat that sentence to me one hundred times since but I believe it has sunk in: for the most part. No offense to my first love but it is a very good thing we broke up, a very good thing!
I had a miscarriage that resulted in a D&C on February 2nd, 2011, he was going to my first born or so I thought. I will never forget the day the D&C procedure happened. I can honestly say it was one of the hardest days of my life. Once again, I thought my life was over and I never thought I would be happy or have kids or a family even. My world fell apart with that one ultrasound where the technician could not find the fetus. I was so determined they were wrong I went to a different OBGYN to make sure. After about a week of watching re runs of Beverly Hills 90210 and eating everything in sight I decided to let go and trust the process. My daughter (whom if you follow my blog know is the light of my life) was born February 2nd, 2012: one year to the day we lost what was going to be our son. Coincidence? Probably. However, I chose to believe divine intervention was in place and knew I was not in a good place to be a mother and my daughter’s brother wanted her to have the greatest life I could give her. It may sound like an awful thing to say but I am okay with our miscarriage. If I had not miscarried I would not have my amazing daughter who honestly seems too good to be true at times. Talk about true love!
I am getting better at trusting the process of life and try to not look too far into the future when bad things happen or flare ups occur because I have been taught by the world time and time again that eventually everything does work out, maybe not how we planned and hardly ever how we expected but they just do. I know so many of my readers are truly struggling in their journey with chronic pain and all I ask is that you do not give up on yourself and try to just let go a little and have a thread of trust that things will get better. I am living, breathing proof. Often times the worst things that happen to us set us up for the best things in the future: #truth.