“You are afraid to die, and you’re afraid to live. What a way to exist.”
I can count very few people on my hands that are not living in fear. This fear does not have to be monumental but it is solemn to come across someone who is not worried about at least one thing in their lives. There is a reason so many commercials are for drugs that help: anxiety, depression, and sleeping issues. We are a world that lives in fear and quite frankly it is destroying so many lives and families. I am so tired of being afraid. The only way to not live in fear is to live in the present moment and allow the Universe to let things unfold as they should. We do have control over many things in our life but the things out of our control are what drives us crazy. We want to be able to control every part of our life so that it goes according to our “plan.” Nothing I have ever “planned” for my life has gone the way I thought or believed it should. My daughter came at a time when having children was not in my plan at that very moment but was the best thing to ever happen to me. I met my husband when I did not want to meet anyone as I was enjoying just taking care of myself and being on my own. I did not get my degree in teaching as I had always planned but ended up becoming a social worker. Since my brain injury that resulted in chronic pain my only plan was to find a cure to the constant pain which clearly did not come to fruition. However, I learned to manage it naturally and live a mostly happy life.
I have so many more “plans” I want to happen and when I begin yearning for something it takes up most of my mind and leaves very little space to enjoy what I already have. It is no secret I want more children as does my family but obsessing over it only caused both physical and emotional problems. I am a wise person and logically know my thoughts are just that and I do have the power to change them. I do not want to live in fear. I do not just want to exist. Yesterday, Kayci and I were at the pool and we were playing with one of her friends who is a year older than her and starting pre school when he turns four. Kayci is two and the subject of when I planned on putting her in pre-school came up. My answer was simple: “I do not know. I know it will not be this year and so much can happen in a year that I refuse to plan anything at this moment. She is happy, intelligent, smart and surrounded by children close to every day and I love being a stay at home mother. Everything I plan for the distant future seems to change so I need to just allow my family and I to focus on today.” Kayci’s friends mother looked at me and said: “Damn, you are right. I gotta stop stressing over the future. Thanks girl.”
My mind may mess with me and I do allow fear to take over my life far too often however, I have gotten a lot better at listening to my intuition. Will I have more children: Duh, yes. Will things work out exactly as I think I want them to: Nope. Will the dreams I have that are quite simple come true: Without a doubt, just not how I expect them too. Experience is a difficult thing it teaches you punishment first and the lesson afterwards. Living in fear is no way to live and yet most of us are living that way each and every day: invisible illness or not. I do not always practice what I preach: clearly. However, I do have the knowledge, experience, and understanding that everything works out just never the way we expect things to.