I have always been a tiny person both in height and weight. When I was in elementary school I was always at the front of any line as our teachers lined us up shortest to tallest. During the darkest year of chronic pain I gained a lot of weight because I was in the best party town (Boulder, CO) and all I did was party, drink, eat, and cry. I left for Colorado because I had truly given up on life and my dreams because of chronic pain. I have posted the picture of myself right before the Mayo Clinic and a picture of me recently a few times in my blog to show the difference of managing chronic pain in a healthy manner. When one is happy and proud on the inside it radiates on the outside no matter what weight or height you are. True beauty is happiness. There seem to be two different ways people go when faced with life altering, difficult situations in life that cause stress and depression. Some go to food for comfort and gain weight, others find it difficult to eat anything at all. I remember in high school when my “first love” broke up with me, I was so beyond depressed that my friends had to literally spoon feed me soup. I am tiny to begin with so I need healthy calories in my day even when going through awful times.
I am going through a difficult time now and I have lost weight (not on purpose.) I am eating as much as I always do but stress causes me to lose weight and it is one of the things I hate most about my challenges in life. To people who do not know me well or my life circumstances they seem to think I am trying to be skinny. A few days ago I took my daughter to our local pharmacy for medicine as she just started getting sick. A woman who knows very little about my life other than I am a married, mother of one who runs bumped into me: literally. The first thing she said to me was: “You are way too skinny! You need to get a hamburger or stop running. Are you eating?” I would love to say her words did not affect me or that I truly do not care what others think but clearly I do as her comments left me feeling worse. I did not have the energy or time to go into the fact that I probably eat more than she does, healthy eating but nonetheless eating or that I know I look skinnier and am going through a tough time so I just brought the attention back to my two year old and her cold. I am not a nasty person but I honestly wanted to say: “Back the hell up, you have no idea what I am going through and know nothing about my life. Worry about yourself and try and not kick people when they are down.” People are inclined to tell others: “You are too skinny” but one would never say to someone: “Man, you gained a lot of weight!” I will never understand why people feel the need to judge others or make assumptions about other’s lives. The only people who even know I have chronic pain are the people closest to me and now my readers due to my blog. It is not something I broadcast, ever! It is the last thing I talk about and people are shocked if they find out I had brain surgery and live with chronic pain because I appear so healthy on the outside.
Bethenny Frankel is one of my favorite people in the public eye. For years my friends would tell me how similar our personalities were minus the business aspect as I am the furthest thing from an entraprenour and the worst sales person you could ever meet. One does not choose social work and then motherhood if they care about making a lot of money or are good at selling things. However, Bethenny is one of the funniest, most genuine real people I have ever seen on television and she tells it how it is. I follow her on Instagram and rarely do I read comments people write as I do not have the time nor do I care. However, when I was unable to sleep I read a few comments under a picture she had posted. I read about three comments before I had to stop reading. Each comment was about how awful she looked and how skinny she was. I could not help but feel the feelings I felt the other day when the lady at the pharmacy made comments on my appearance. I will never understand how people have the need to judge others or make negative comments to anyone. I am proof that we are all fighting battles no one has any idea about. We all need to stop focusing on other’s lives and being cruel and begin practicing compassion, understanding, and kindness.