“Your story isn’t over yet.”
If we could only see how many amazing things are going to happen in our lives, we would never be afraid again. For many of my readers I believe the first thing you think of when your eyes open in the morning is pain. Did you feel actual physical pain the second you awoke or were your thoughts drawn directly to the fear of enduring the day in pain. I say this because often times the fear of pain is truly worse than the pain itself. However, sometimes it is just intense freaking physical pain with no thoughts other than: “Oh my God, please take this pain away. I cannot bear it!” I am struggling with chronic pain right now more than I have in years, the difference between then and now is that I know for a fact it will get better. This is just a very tiny chapter in my journey here in this world. That hope and knowledge is quite powerful. Am I having a difficult time with my management of chronic pain? Yes. Will I be able to not think about pain again and not let it be the cause for any distress? Absolutely. There is a difference between living in the moment and being stuck in a moment. I cannot predict my future and every time I have tried to, I have been totally wrong. However, I do know so many amazing things are going to happen in my life. I also know for every person reading this, you have absolutely no clue the wonderful things you never expected to happen for you will happen. It is important to live in the present moment with or without chronic pain, however do not get stuck there and believe this moment of hell will last forever.
If you follow my blog or have read multiple posts, you know that I do not use the word pain in my daily life outside of this blog. I have learned talking about pain or focusing on pain only makes the pain worse and clearly what we focus on non-stop becomes our life. In this small chapter of the life of Jessica, I am thinking about pain way more than I should. I am using pain behaviors that I have not used in years. Pain behaviors are anything you do to bring attention to your pain whether alone or around people. My personal pain behaviors are: rubbing my face, my neck and my back. I also stretch my neck and back too often because in that moment in feels good. The people who have been in my life for the past five plus years have never seen this side of me. People only see the healthy Jessica who does not allow pain to interfere with her life and is truly happy and rarely thinks about pain much less bring attention to the pain. People actually think I was in an accident or some acute injury because of my demeanor and pain behaviors. My husband has never seen this side of me as I met him years after I learned how to manage pain naturally and not focus on my invisible illness. I am sure he thinks I am being dramatic and cannot possibly understand why I am unable to get comfortable, exhausted, and actually walking different by the end of the day. Note to all male readers: never call a woman crazy or dramatic, trust me. The outcome is never good. The mornings are the best part of my day and when I feel my strength and practice the techniques I need to manage chronic pain naturally. I awake super early and do some sort of cardio or yoga exercise. I then write and do random things around the house that my toddler makes it almost impossible for me to do like mopping the kitchen floor. I do pretty well until late afternoon/early evening. That is when (in this small chapter) I begin to really feel the pain and am totally not my true self.
Within two hours yesterday I was called a healer by my therapist and a “cripple” by my neighbor. Yes, I see a therapist. There is absolutely zero shame in seeing a therapist. I began seeing this woman almost eight to ten years ago once I left the Pain Rehab Center in MN, where I learned how to manage chronic pain naturally. We have clearly become very close over the years and out of all the people in my world, I look up to her more than anyone. In fact, it was her idea for me to start this blog and truly believes it will turn into something huge one day. I hope she is right and honestly she has yet to be wrong. She truly is an angel. For the hour I was with her I did not think about pain. We were discussing current issues but more about my life in general and the wisdom I now have that I had not had before managing pain naturally. She has called me a healer many times but it was not until yesterday that I saw that in me as well. She explained that people who are true healers tend to feel more pain (emotional, not physical) than those who are not healers. The hour I spent with her was the greatest hour I have had in days. I love talking about positive energy, healing, and inner wisdom. Her positive, angelic nature brings out the true Jessica and my passions. Her belief is that my struggles throughout my life are going to impact and change lives through my writing. She truly believes one day this will be my full time job. Not just writing but actually getting paid to help people with chronic pain. When you combine your passion with your career, magical things happen. My intuition believes she is correct and that this blog will turn into something that will help massive amounts of people who are suffering with chronic pain. For now, all I can do is continue to write as clearly this does not put food on the table or clothes on our backs so I do need to work part time in order to help support my family. Now, re-read my first sentence of this paragraph. Within two hours, I was called a healer by one person and a “cripple” by a neighbor. I have some kind of sinus infection going on (thanks to the pediatricians office) and by about five pm I truly am feeling my chronic pain and even walking different because one arm is supporting my back and the other is rubbing my neck. I do not even know I am using pain behaviors. One of my neighbors said to my husband: “What the hell is wrong with Jessica, she looks like a cripple.” I totally understand her choice in language is not the best and she definitely beats to her own drum but she has a good heart and I do not even think she realizes what she says half the time. Recently she asked me if my two year old was house broken aka is she potty trained. Did the comment make me feel bad, not really as I have known and come to love this woman even with her quirkiness and ignorance to certain things in life. I walked to her fence and said: “I am just having a difficult time with managing my chronic pain and have a sinus infection.” She then said: “Oh right, the Lupus.” No, not at all considering I do not have Lupus. I just said clearly: “No nut job, remember I had brain surgery and have chronic pain?” The only two people in my life I want to share how I am feeling and want recognition from are my husband and my dad. So, no her comment did not bother me and even writing it makes me laugh. I choose to focus on the word: healer, as that I believe to be 100 percent true.
Yup, I am having a rough time with chronic pain but I refuse to be stuck in this moment or chapter. Past few nights it has been very difficult to not focus on the pain and that sucks, plain and simple. However, so many great things are coming towards to me and I have no clue what the next chapter will be. All I know at this moment is that I will be managing chronic pain again to the point where I rarely think about it. No, it is not going to just happen but it will. I have the tools, knowledge, and wisdom to get myself out of this shitty chapter. Do not allow yourself to get stuck in your current chapter. Accept that you are having a very difficult time but know that this is just your life now and everything changes, nothing stays the same.
“The bad news is, nothing lasts forever. The great news is, nothing lasts forever.”