As most of you know, all I ever wanted to be was a mother. I wanted to have at least two children and live the family life I never had. I did not care about being a doctor, lawyer, or any sort of career for money. I have always been simplistic and truly only ever wanted to have a happy, healthy family. Because of my brain surgery and chronic pain, I truly never believed I would ever be able to be a mother. I did not want to be a mother who was not able to provide her child with my full attention, love, and support. When I was in the Pain Rehab Center I slowly began to see that I could make my biggest dream come true despite chronic pain. I remember asking: “What kind of mother could I possibly be if I have chronic pain even if I do get to the point of not allowing it to control my life?” The leader of the group said: “The greatest mother and role model there is. You are going to show your children that they cannot give up. You are able to say to them, I had brain surgery and many surgeries afterwards which resulted in chronic pain, which also came close to killing me and found a way to not only manage chronic pain naturally but live an amazing life despite physical pain.” I listened to what he said but I am not sure I truly heard him as I never thought I would be able to manage chronic pain naturally, must less live the life I had always dreamed of but he was absolutely right. I do have some limitations in my life due to chronic pain and managing it in a healthy manner and live a life that can be pretty regimented as I work hard to incorporate every tool I learned to manage chronic pain naturally. When I was a social worker, I started out working thirty hours a week which I was able to manage. I then was greedy and took a job offer that provided me with a lot more money but many more hours and a lot more stress. I then learned what the Mayo Clinic had already told me: You made the hardest decision possible, you are managing chronic pain naturally and that may slightly change your daily life and what people who do not know you have chronic pain may see you as “lazy.” Ignore them.
It was not until I was practicing my natural management of chronic pain that I was able to actually meet a man and even think about marriage or family and even when I met my husband I had no idea we would end up a family. I am a mother with chronic pain. I do not wish chronic pain on anyone. However, because of chronic pain I am able to teach my daughter about healthy eating, exercise, meditation, yoga, appreciating the little things in life, empathy, non-judgement, and self love. Since she was born she has literally done hundreds of meditations with me without realizing it. She was able to do yoga poses prior to crawling. She loves being outside and active and is beyond kind to everyone (except her mother as she is only two and knows how to push my buttons.) Par for the course. We love love love Sesame Place and I am so happy it is open until January. I want Kayci to look up to me as she actually does look up to Big Bird, literally and figuratively. I want to teach her the lessons I have learned due to my bike accident and chronic pain. I want her to read this blog which will one day be a book and know that her mother never gave up and know that she was my dream and she is my angel. I may not be able to teach her geography lessons (clearly) but I can teach her values, mindfulness, living for the moment, not sweating the small stuff, never giving up, and never settling for anything less than she deserves. The book entitled: “Everything I Need to Know, I learned in Kindergarten” is so beyond true.
It is no secret I am having a difficult time with chronic pain but she will one day read this and see that I get right back up and never give up. Life is full of ups and downs and I will be there to catch her no matter what and be the mother I dreamed of since I was a little girl. Most of all, she will always wear a helmet when riding a bike! No chronic pain for my baby!