“YOU are going to live a good and long life filled with great and terrible moments that you cannot even imagine yet.”
I have gotten huge feedback about my “one liner journal” and I wanted to share with you two of the most significant dates of my life: February 2nd (Groundhogs Day) and June 7th (my birthday.) This will truly show you why I do this and why I am one hundred percent certain that we all need to let go and allow things to happen because so much can change in just one year. I will start with February 2nd.
2011: It is a definite. We lost our son and I will be going in for a D & C today. I am so lost and depressed and cannot believe I have to have surgery to rid my body of the biggest dream I ever had: motherhood. KK will be with me. Prior to going under and falling asleep I was crying to the OB surgeon. All she really said was: “Next time I see you will be for a good reason.” I wanted to punch her in the face.
2012: Kayci Marie was born at 7:41 pm! The same doctor who performed my D & C a year ago today delivered our first born. It only took six pushes and I was able to hold my baby girl. This is the greatest day of my life. I never want to sleep again. I just want to hold her and watch her.
2013: Kayci turns a year old! Party of the century for this little perfect person. Tons of friends/family at our home. My insane yet amazing mom rented a pony for pony rides in our back yard. Sadly, my mom was not able to come to the party she planned and spent tons of time planning. She ended up in the hospital: she will be ok but it broke my heart for her.
2014: Kayci turns two!!! Another huge birthday party that my mom planned except this year she was there and glowing with joy. I cannot wait to extend our family and give Kayci a sibling. I have no idea how I could possibly ever love another child as I love my daughter (still weird to write that word, daughter.) But, everyone says: “You just do.”
INSANE right? I mean look at the difference between 2011 and 2012 on this day which did turn out to be the greatest day/moment of my life.
2011: Happy 30th Birthday to me! Woke up to a beach chair with balloons and a crown. My dad is so awesome. Gym, protein shake shot for bday from the gym. Went to Ocean City with my dad for the day! So Fun! Mac and Manco pizza, ice cream, funnel cake (hey I’m pregnant!) Read a lot, ocean was amazing. KK got me best gifts: pregnant work out clothes, pink heart rate monitor for working out while pregnant and love/laughter.
2012: Pretty shitty birthday. La La is on hospice and all I want to do is be with my family and lay with Kayci and La La. Sarah brought me soup and a smoothie. Took a long walk with Lindsay and Kayci. Never want to leave La La’s room but have to. Had small thing with a few family members and Lindsay. Kayci had her first real laugh. Lindsay and I were so happy.
2013: I miscarried at home today. I knew it was about to happen but the depression and loss is strong. What a shitty birthday. Decided to turn life around and will not ever take pain medication again even for this miscarriage. I saw a quote that said: “A year from now you will wish you started today.” I made an inspiration wall in our bedroom and I plan to turn this loss into something positive. My fear of never having another child is back and I cannot help but be very depressed. KK got me balloons, a pedicure gift card, but the best was his card. Lindsay got me a gift card for yoga studio (she knows me well!) I was in pajamas on the couch with Kayci while family came over for dinner and it actually turned out to be a great birthday. I am proud of myself and that’s a great feeling.
2014: Hello 33! I truly do not mind getting older except afraid I will reach “advanced maternal age” (what an awful term!) did yoga, blog post, got a pedicure and took Kayci to the pool. Had small dinner and cake here at home.
There ya go! I keep this journal for many reasons. It is not a therapeutic journal as I am jotting down the highlights and lowlights of the day. But it is extremely therapeutic to see every day how much can change in one year. It reminds me daily that I do not have any idea what the future holds and that I need to just let go and let things happen. Who knows in a couple months or next year may write on one of these days: I’m pregnant! Or, my blog has reached so many people that I can finally make it my life’s work. I just have zero clue what the future holds and yet I still spend way too much time focusing on the future. We are all works in progress and there truly is zero reason to worry or obsess about the future.
As the Dalai Lama said: ” There are only two days in your life that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow. So today is the right day to love, believe, do, and most of all live.”