“She was unstoppable, not because she did not have failures and doubts but because she continued despite them.”
I know how almost all of you are feeling at this exact moment, in this time and space. You are cursing yourself and the world and you believe you hate yourself. I know this because of the emails I am receiving but also because I am you or was you for a third of my life. STOP IT. You do not hate yourself, you hate chronic pain and although I have accepted it and live a good life despite it, I hate it too. Yup, you have and are possibly doing things that you are not proud of due to the pain you feel. You may be self medicating, laying in bed all day, pushing all those you love away, and becoming a person you do not like. Chronic pain changes people and in the beginning before acceptance you may wake up in the morning hating yourself for the actions you performed the night before: I have been there! What is the point of beating yourself up? Acknowledge you are not proud of your behavior, and move on.
Listen to the song by U2: “Stuck in a Moment.” That is where you are. Do you realize the many moments to come in your future? Look at this picture: the love of my life (Santa) I mean Kayci and myself. I had more doubts about my dreams because of chronic pain than anyone could possibly imagine. I “failed” more times than I can count until I came to a point where I managed chronic pain naturally. I NEVER believed I would ever be happy, have children, a family, a life. I thought I would possible die in Boulder, CO because I had hit rock bottom in my journey with chronic pain and was doing things the true Jessica would never do. I continued despite my doubts and failures. I have no idea how but I did. Guess what? You are continuing as well. You are here, reading this blog: not giving up. You are unstoppable. I cannot tell you when or how you will reach a healthy, happy point and you may not believe me that you will. I will one day say: “I told you so” and hug each and every one of you. I do not have the answers for your future and how all this will play out. I do know how you can live a life you love despite chronic pain but you are all at different points in this journey. You will get there. Do not look backwards or forwards. Be here now and just read my story and know one day you will be smiling despite chronic pain.
“Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.”