“Sometimes you have to be your own hero.”
During the most damaging time in my journey with chronic pain I wanted someone, anyone to save me. I am not speaking about my weekly trips to various doctors and surgeons, I am referring to friends, family, and loved ones. I hated chronic pain, I hated my life, and I hated myself for my actions to numb the physical pain. Because I began hating myself I turned to others for love. Now, at the age of thirty three I see that it is close to impossible to see anyone’s love if you do not love yourself. There were things I did just so people would like me: trying to fit in like a teenager in high school just for a hug. During the many years I searched for someone to save me; my chronic pain, self-esteem, and disappointment got worse and worse. I was not happy until I had to be my own hero and do the most difficult thing I have done in my lifetime: accept chronic pain, change my entire lifestyle, and manage pain naturally. It took many, many months but slowly I began to love myself and no longer needed anyone to save me. Looking back, no one could have saved me but myself: sucks but I believe this to be true for each and every one of us: illness or no illness.
If you do not love yourself and take care of yourself, you will find it very hard to see anyone’s love even though it is there. You must follow your intuition and do what is right for you because you are your own hero. I have had people ask me because of my bike accident, chronic pain, and the fact that I became a social worker/therapist to save them. I know how hard it is for one to hear my response because I used to ask the same question: “I cannot save you. I can only support you and show you how to manage chronic pain and difficult times you face throughout your journey in this world.” We all have problems and I am not just speaking of chronic pain and medical issues: we all will face challenges where we crave saving from a loved one. As soon as you begin taking care of yourself and loving yourself, everything starts to fall in place and you no longer want someone to save you.
Being your own hero is one of the greatest feelings in the world. Loving yourself and being true to yourself gives you peace. I have made many mistakes in my lifetime but I know at this time and space I am my own hero. I am proud of where I am and proud of the person I never thought I could be. I no longer look for outside forces to save me when problems occur. I ask for support and love but I know it is up to me and only me to save myself. I know many of you just want a damn cure to chronic pain or for Santa to bring you a pain free life but that may not happen. I do not write that to sound cruel or negative: quite the opposite. I have chronic pain and every other ailment that comes with this invisible illness and it has never been cured and probably never will be. I cannot worry about the things I cannot control. I can only continue to do what is right for my life and stand proud that I do not allow chronic pain to control my life. I am my own hero and one day you will be too. I will be right here along the way for support, guidance, and love. I will never judge you and promise to stand by you while you save yourself.