chronic pain

Find Yourself

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“If you know yourself, you’ll not be harmed by what is said by you.”

Unknown or Jessica

I can think of a few different times in my life where I truly hated myself: truly believing I did not deserve to live and had nothing to offer anyone but pain.  The most obvious times I hated myself were due to chronic pain.  When I first realized I had pain that would not go away, I was mad at the illness and the doctors.  A few years later once I had given up hope on ever having any happy life due to chronic pain, I began to hate myself.   I did things I hated to numb the pain: drank a ton, was careless, ate non stop, dropped out of college and disappointed the people I loved.   It was not until I accepted chronic pain and took the hard path and learned how to manage it naturally that I slowly but surely began to love myself.  During the years I was so lost in my physical pain, people said a lot of negative things about me.   I was also in my late teens and early twenties: a time in life where many of us(myself included) talk about others as to not focus on their own lives and issues.  I believed every negative thing said about me because I felt the same way: but it still hurt.  It hurt because no one understood that I was in severe, never ending pain because I looked perfectly “normal” on the outside and at that age and time space chronic pain was a foreign word.  People just thought I was a total depressed mess who was self destructive, which in fact was true but no one understood why I did the things I did but me.  Years went by, I came to a point of acceptance regarding chronic pain, and learned how to manage it naturally.  It took a lot of time but I suddenly loved myself.  I was healthy, happy, and proud.  I looked like a totally different person. Yes I had lost weight and no longer drank to numb physical pain, exercised, ate healthy, was in school studying something I loved and my life was simple.  People said things about me as, sadly gossip and negative talk about others is unfortunately a part of our society. I swear too many people spend their time focusing on other’s problems than focusing on their own.  People no longer said I was a depressed mess but words such as: boring, no longer “fun”, exercise freak, too skinny etc.  None of those words or anything negative said about me bothered me because I knew who I was and loved myself.

Have I hated myself since coming to acceptance with chronic pain and managing it naturally: yes.  I am not perfect and have made some awful choices that I was so ashamed of I began to once again hate myself.  This self hatred did not last nearly as long as it did when I was in my darkest hours of chronic pain but it was there nonetheless.  Because I no longer had my self-love I believed everything and anything negative said about me.  It is the worst feeling in the world to literally hate yourself.  You have nothing to give to anyone if you cannot see the good in you.  I am brutally honest in this blog: good, bad, ugly.  I can say on this very day I love myself.  I am proud of who I am despite my mistakes because huge mistakes caused me to hate myself and I never want to hate myself again.  I am again at a point in life that no matter what someone says about me I know who I am and although I am not perfect and have my faults I am proud of who I am.  It is not to say that words do not hurt: they do.  I am human and no one likes to hear negative things said but I no longer give those words value.  I have written it before: there is nothing worse than hating yourself and nothing better than loving yourself.

You may be at a point today that you do hate yourself.  In fact I know some of you do because of your emails.  Be patient, trust the process.  Self-love does not happen over night.  Acceptance of anything does not happen over night.  Just know that one day you will love yourself and you will think: Holy shit that blog I used read (totally forget the name of it) was right.

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