“At the end of the day, we can endure much more pain than we ever thought we could.”
I have written this probably one hundred times in this blog but my biggest fear was that I would never be able to be a good mother and have a family due to my chronic pain and the suffering it caused. As most of you know, that fear was incorrect and this past week proved to me that chronic pain has actually made me a stronger mother than I ever thought possible. My daughter started vomiting (she is two years old) around noon on Tuesday, the day before Christmas Eve. I was alone home with her and hoped it was nothing. She puked and then fell asleep. Thirty minutes later she awoke pale and continued to vomit and vomit and vomit. I called her doctor and they said a virus was going around and to just keep an eye on it. I had an odd feeling something was not right but I listened to her doctor at first. By three in the afternoon I could no longer bear to see my little one continue to vomit and get worse. I went with my intuition and took her to Urgent Care, one of the most difficult car rides I have yet to face. Listening to her vomit and know how terrified she was feeling as I drove left me feeling helpless as all I wanted to do was hold her. We spent about two hours at our closest Urgent Care and she continued to get worse. At this point we both had puke in our hair, on our clothes, and on every blanket/stuffed animal I brought. They were unable to do anything and thought that she needed to go straight to the emergency room as she got more pale, more lifeless, and had no liquids left in her little body. I then drove her to the hospital (second worse car ride of my lifetime) where we sat in the waiting room covered in vomit for over two hours. Once a pediatric room was available she was seen by the doctor immediately. He said: “Wow, this is the sickest child I have seen today.” I almost punched him in the face as his bed side manner was so awful I wanted him to feel as bad as my daughter did. We remained in the hospital for about twelve hours. Kayci was given six hundred liters of IV fluids, had blood work done and was given x-rays. I laid on the stretcher with her the entire time and hid my tears as they inserted the IV into her veins. And yes, I was that mother who refused to get off of her stretcher even during her X-rays. By four am we were discharged home (Christmas Eve) and she was able to enjoy Christmas. Not once did my pain enter my mind. Not once did I think about chronic pain or any of my problems. All my focus was on my daughter who truly is the toughest child I have yet to meet. Bias? Yes. However, I also know my strength and I know a lot of that strength has come from my journey with chronic pain. Two days of no sleep and being covered in my daughter’s vomit finally caught up to me and I got the stomach virus late Christmas day. My dad texted me yesterday after I let him know I would be dead for the day: “Wow Jess, what a terrible week for you. I bet you are ready for the New Year!” You have no idea, however I am at a point in life where I literally force myself as hard as possible to take one day at a time. What will January 1st, 2016 be like? I have no idea. The only thing I am sure of is that it will take weeks, possibly months to start writing the correct date.
Most of you reading this have chronic pain or some sort of invisible illness and believe because of your “disease” you will not be able to obtain your dream. Mine: motherhood. Whatever dream you have, you will obtain it and better than that: you will be so much stronger than you ever thought possible.
One day at a time. Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, today is a gift. Tis why it is called the present.