“Its hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.. You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry….you will someday.”
6am January 4th
I awoke from a nightmare this morning and the nightmare was of me in one of the worst moments during my journey with chronic pain. The dream was so vivid and real that I literally could not relax my heart or mind once totally awake. I have been feeling anxious since and the dream made me realize how much the subconscious parts of our minds affect our daily lives. On mornings I awake from a bad dream or awake super anxious and cannot stop my racing mind, I literally have to just get up and do something. Considering my body and mind are now literally programmed to exercise or do yoga first thing in the morning, I never have to think about what to do (I usually sleep in work out clothes.) Usually, after exercising I am calmer and my mind can slow itself down and I center myself in the here and now. Not today. I should not say that, not yet today but soon.
Ever since my daughter looked at the Christmas tree and with wide eyes said for the first time: “Mommy, it is so beautiful” I have not been able to stop thinking about the movie: “American Beauty.” This is a movie I could literally watch one hundred times and learn something different each time. What does this movie and the word beauty have to do with my anxiety upon waking from a nightmare? There is a correlation so bear with me (my mind is a beautiful mess at times.) After reading the above quote multiple times, I started to think about all my worries and anxieties and how insignificant they are in the grand scheme of life. I believe in every little thing I preach and practice what I preach, however this does not mean that I have a lot more to work on. There are so many quotes I see that are very true regarding worry and faith and yet I still, as most of us do have a very difficult time not worrying or thinking about the future.
2 pm January 4th
I had to stop typing this post as I heard my little girl calling “Mommy, miss you” which in the language in Kayci means: “Mommy, I want you to hold me.” Usually I would have tried to get her back to sleep as quickly as possible so that I would allow myself more “me” time to write following my work out. However, this morning I just laid with her and just rubbed her hair and she rubbed mine and as with every morning since Christmas her first request came: “Mommy, wanna go in my kitchen? Play with shopping cart?” Her favorite gift of all time is a shopping cart that looks identical to one you would find at any grocery store. Because I love my daughter and my Mom, I will not get rid of this beloved shopping cart but it is starting to make everyone a little crazy. I forgot all the reasons I was stressed and worried and went into Mommy mode and it dawned on me that I am much more grateful for the blessings in my life than I was giving myself credit for this morning. I love my family and literally cherish every moment I can with our daughter (not that I do not get frustrated…she is a toddler.) However, I know how quickly time is going because I cannot even look at pictures of her from her first birthday without tearing up. I do want more children but I am so very blessed for our amazing daughter who is so empathetic and loving even with the damn shopping cart. The stressors in our life are for the most part very insignificant and we are very blessed. I cannot change the past or control the future: impossible. I can only work on this moment, this day, with the blessings in my life. Looking back on my life, everything I dream of ends up coming to fruition but never how I imagine them to or at the time I want them to. I just recently read something that said: “We attract what we are ready for.” The dreams I have and the things I desire (money cannot buy) will come when they are supposed to just as all good things have: acceptance of chronic pain and learning to manage it naturally, marriage, Kayci, our home, my degree, and so forth. Each and every wish I have ever had never comes when I plan for it or worry about it. The wishes come when I let go and the Universe sees me as ready for. Many of your dreams and wishes are going to come when you least expect it as well. If I had read any of this when I was in my early twenties and literally close to death because I could no longer live another second in pain, I would have never believed my words so I understand if you do not believe me.
I never gave the word: beautiful any thought and it just is not a word I ever used. When I see the world through my toddler’s eyes, I see how much beauty there is to be seen even when it is pouring rain and we are driving at the pace of a snail. I have been thinking about how much beauty there is and that I really need to just buy the movie: “American Beauty” because it has many more lessons for me to learn.