Happy Groundhogs Day/Happy Birthday to this binky addict/my heart Kayci!!!
A very close person to me sent me a poem yesterday that clicked with me in more ways than one. As Oprah may say: “It was an Ah Ha moment.”
Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing a faithful hand will take and sift from, keep what is worth keeping and then with a breath of kindness blow the rest away……..
This blog was intended to help people see that chronic pain is not a death sentence and one can live a happy, fulfilling life despite chronic pain. I was uncertain about writing this because a lot of skeletons in my closet were forced to come out but there is no way I would be able to help anyone if I did not reveal me: past mistakes, hidden secrets, and just let it all out there. How would any reader suffering with an invisible illness see the above picture and truly believe that I had brain surgery and have had led a life with chronic pain since then: only way is to tell it all. It is not very difficult to do because of where I am now. I came close to true death not once because of my bike accident but twice as I hit my rock bottom in my search for a cure to chronic pain and drank my ass off in Colorado to the point where I truly did not want to live. Ever since accepting chronic pain and learning to live with the pain naturally I have wanted/craved/needed to write a book and I knew the book would be called: “No One Gets Flowers for Chronic Pain.” That has been in my mind for past ten years but life got in the way so to say and I became a social worker and later mother (the best job ever) and now I am writing: the pay is awful lol but I’m following my dream.
Now, to the point and reason this quote hit me like a ton of bricks (in a good way.) I believe people with chronic pain are more in tune to other’s pain and feel emotional pain much deeper than those without chronic pain: this is my opinion and I am not generalizing as pain is pain. However, now that I am able to live a natural, happy life with no cure and can distinguish pain from suffering I feel other pain more intensely than I ever knew: not physical. That is a given but if you follow my blog you know I do not in my daily life talk about my personal chronic pain and distract my mind when it focuses on the pain. Well, just because I am in a good place and have beat many odds to get where I am does not mean difficult times do not hurt: I’m human, this is life. When my dear friend sent this poem one word jumped out at me: SAFE. I have never felt truly safe with another person: this is not to say I fault anyone for this feeling but this is my truth. The one person I ever felt safe with entirely was my dad as a child. I knew I could tell him anything. I knew he always had my back and truly proved this to be true when he believed my invisible pain and went on my quest to find a cure. I look at photo albums of my dad and I in the eighties and see him hold me and treasure me the way I do with Kayci. I always felt safe with my dad. I am thirty three now and yes have people in my life that I feel safe with but not entirely. As much as I write and preach about worrying and fear being false evidence appearing real, I struggle every day with fear and safety. I never thought of the word safe until I saw this poem. I am always scared of hurting ones feelings, not being there enough for a person, obsessing about my future, worried about my loved ones, dealing with 99 worries and maybe one will come to fruition. My inner wisdom knows everything works out: never way we expect or plan but they just do. I think in order to feel safe with another being, I must feel safe with myself. Just as to love another one must love themselves. Life is a journey and yes my life has been a roller coaster from birth till now. However, I am getting there: wherever that may be. I am not speaking of a place or destination but to a feeling of safety. Amazing change happens during chaos and once the chaos has calmed itself.
This post may make zero sense to anyone, not even myself but one day it will.