Happy Valentines Day, first off: a holiday in which many would call “commercial” and I agree with that but it is a holiday in which we are reminded to show our love for others and show gratitude for each person in our lives. Valentines Day is also my Grandmother’s (La La’s) birthday. She passed away over two years ago and yet it feels like yesterday. I miss her lately more than I ever have and find myself speaking to her on a daily basis. Last night I went through old cards and pictures and stumbled upon a note my dad had written my La La back in the Eighties (am I really this old?) The note simply stated: “Thank you for watching Jessica this week, I couldn’t do it without you.” My family and I live in the same home La La helped raise me in. There are so many memories in this home it is difficult to not be reminded of her on a daily basis even if I wanted to. I swear my daughter sees her and talks to her because the things she will randomly say no one but La La and I know. It is really amazing and I just wish I was as intuitive as Kayci so that I could somehow hear her. I talk a lot about self love and accepting yourself no matter what others say or think but I still believe we all sometimes need someone to hold us and let us know we are doing a good job. La La always did that for me.
There is a vivid memory I have that occurred after a doctors appointment regarding chronic pain. Both my dad and La La took me and I have no idea which specialist it was but I know whomever it was said, as all did after a few months of seeing me: “There is nothing more we can do. But, maybe you should see this doctor or that.” As most of you know each time a doctor tells you there is no cure or this did not work, you go into a state of sadness, hopelessness, anger, and fear. This was one of those days. I remember my dad and I arguing because caregiver stress, especially to those with chronic pain can be very frustrating and my dad did literally everything to help me. I have no clue what we were arguing about, probably the same thing: the situation. I could not take the pain, and he was frustrated as well. Years upon years of doctors, procedures, hopes, disappointments, tears, isolation etc. was not easy on him either. We pulled into the driveway, where I live now (La La’s home) and I was balling my eyes out. All of you with chronic pain also know how much of a disappointment you feel like when the pain gets worse. You feel as if you are letting down the people that are helping you. I remember my dad walking into the home angry, very angry. La La stayed in the car with me and held me. I remember her saying something about my dad not being mad at me but at the disease. She was always there for me even if/when I was a brat. Once she was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease years later, obviously things changed: I would know better than anyone as would many of you. However, for the majority of my life she always had my back hence why I have a tattoo on my back that says: La La.
I miss her now more than ever since she has passed and that is why I had to write this post today. I know if she was with me she would tell me the things I desperately need to hear. Talking to her once my daughter falls asleep and when it is just me is something but I want her physically with me, holding me, and letting me know that I am doing a good job.
I love you La La
You are my angel