“Forgive yourself for not being at peace. The moment you completely accept non-peace, your non-peace is transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender.”
I continue to read and read about non resistance as it truly resonates with me and my entire life: chronic pain, certain life changing experiences, deaths, births, moves, you name it. As I wrote in a previous post, I have been practicing the concept of non-resistance in how I deal with chronic pain. It took me over ten years to accept that I have chronic pain and to stop looking for a cure but, once I did and surrendered to my invisible illness instead of fighting it, I began to heal. Hence, the difference between pain and suffering. This is not to say that I no longer live in physical pain as most of you know, it is just a different type of pain. Pain does not control my life. At times gets in the way of my joy and I live a very different lifestyle than I would had I not decided to accept pain and manage pain naturally but the moment I came to a true sense of acceptance, I truly began to live not merely survive.
We are harder on ourselves than anyone else could be. We are a world that lives in fear, guilt, and are harder on ourselves than anyone else could be. Sometimes I think about my inner critic (as I mention, she can be a real pain in the ass) and how many negative thoughts enter my mind throughout the day without even thinking about it. I spend hours in a state of confusion about what I should be doing/not doing, what is the best decision for my health and family. Basically I have been living in a total state of confusion for a very long time. Someone who is wiser than anyone I have ever met brought up how over the past few months, maybe years I have been saying: “I am just so confused.” She brought this up because of my past posts regarding non-resistance. It took me a long time to figure out what she was trying to tell me as she truly puts my mind to work: much harder than anything I ever studied or learned in either high school or college. Once again: self love, self acceptance, and learning about our minds and bodies are subjects that must be taught at a young age and in the school system as sadly most of us are not learning these things at home. I will be thirty four and have been reading and learning these concepts for more years than I can count due to my bike accident and chronic pain. However, I would have had issues with abandonment, self love, self esteem, and fear with or without that fall. I have decided to stop saying and am diligently working on not thinking: “I am confused.” I am just accepting what is happening in my world at this time and place. In theory I am not confused in the least, outside circumstances are things that are out of my control. I surrender to confusion. I accept what is happening in my life at this time and know that I am truly working on myself and when you start to feel self love and acceptance, you begin to see your past mistakes and not only see them but learn and change from them.
I hate the feeling: it is what it is. Ugh! I really do not like when people say that to me, drives me nuts. However, most if not all people who say that are actually right. This annoying expression is acceptance. Most people (including myself until now) just say it as teenagers say: “Whatever.” There is not much knowledge behind either expression they are just easy things to say. I am inch by inch beginning to see and practice non-resistance, acceptance, and surrendering to the here and now with many bumps in the road but man this is it. We can all be happy. The more we resist change, pain, confusion the more we give power over to change, pain and confusion. I was thinking about this a lot this past Thursday evening driving home from work with my mind going crazy and I forgot what CD was in my CD player and just pressed play and as Kayci (my toddler) calls it: “our song” came on ” Let it Be” by the Beatles. We ended up having a really relaxing night.