“After careful consideration, and sleepless nights here’s what I have decided. There is no such thing as grown up. We move on, we move out, we move away from families but the basic insecurities, the basic fears and all those old wounds just grow up with us. We get bigger, we get taller, and we get older. But for the most part, we are still a bunch of kids running around the playground trying to fit in.”
I do not believe there is any such thing as the “perfect childhood.” Of course, some children have it easier than others and many would say they have no wounds from when they were young. However, whether we felt wounded by our parents, siblings, friends, or ourselves we all consciously or subconciously carry around certain wounds into out adult years. Just like chronic pain, these wounds are usually invisible and easily ignored but: they are there whether you see them or not. We are shaped from all the positive lessons and memories we have as children and we are shaped by anything negative we faced. Many of us push down these wounds or bad memories so far down that when someone like the author, Louise Hay says: “heal your inner child” we say: “Nothing ever happened to me, I have great parents and all in all the best childhood. There is nothing to heal.” This all may be very true, however we all have wounds that need healing. If one asked me: “How was your childhood?” I would answer honestly: “For the most part I had a great childhood and I am very blessed. I had/have two parents who love me very much. I had a grandmother, La La who was like a mom to me, I went to Disney World three times, I have a very loving little brother, and I have a bond with my dad most people never have with anyone in their lifetime. Do I have wounds from my past that I pushed down most of my life, mostly due to my battle with chronic pain: yes. Have I carried various issues and fears from my childhood into adulthood? Absolutely. So, here I go giving the world more truths about myself.
The above picture was taken yesterday at my Mom’s “farm” as my toddler calls it. If you want to laugh or forget about your problems, my mom’s house is the place to go. My mom is hilarious. She does not care what people think and is always herself. She is a character and I have so many of her silly, quirky, high energy, “crazy” (the good kind) funny attributes that I am quite proud of. She also is one of the most empathetic people you will ever meet. She would give anyone the shirt off her back and like me will never judge you or make you feel less. My family and I spent a couple hours at her “farm.” She and her boyfriend (more like her husband as they have been together for over ten years) live and run their business on their “farm.” Her boyfriend is a geniusin mechanics and they use a lot of their property to manage their business. He is so brilliant when it comes to cars, he is literally able to make a car. Unlike my mom, he is very quiet and at times seems shy but he isn’t, he is just very focused. I always say my mom and dad are polar opposites but as I write this I see most of the men she has been with are very opposite from herself. As I said, she is quite the character and like myself , beats to her own drum. She is by far one of the funniest, most outlandish people one will ever meet. If our time there yesterday had been filmed, a new reality show would be out in a hot second. Aside from the two dogs that do not get along so my mom has to quaranteen both of them, you have her big fish tank with Oscar who is literally on his last fin. One of the first questions I asked my mom yesterday was : “That fish is still alive, Jesus he looks terrible. Put him out of his misery.” She gave me a true look of sadness, and with her very New Jersey accent said: “Jessica Lynne, that’s a sin. You know how much I love Oscar. I even gave him mouth to mouth the other day.” Whether she did or did not give this fish mouth to mouth to mouth makes no difference, as this is just a normal conversation we have with one another. My response was simply: “Of course you did mom.” One hour later I hear my step-dad working on cars, my husband talking to him about words I just do not have in my vocabulary, two dogs barking at one another from their own large gated area, my mom screaming: “Jesus, this place is a zoo. Ruby Michelle (one of the dog’s names) stop antagonizing your sister!” Two minutes later I see my mom and daughter jetting around on one of their lawnmowers, my daughter’s face lit up like a Christmas tree. Of course I wanted to try driving the lawnmower: not my greatest idea ever. I look happy as a clown in this picture rocking my new hot pink sneakers as my little girl looks petrified. Of course, I could not figure out how to put the breaks on this damn lawnmower.
Later in the day as we were about to drive home my mom began reading the letter my dad had written me when I was a mere three weeks old and they were still married. My mom had crocodile tears running down her face and asked me to hold her. I just sat there and hugged her for a long time as she cried. She just kept saying: “I’m sorry.” I know what she was saying sorry for and that is what matters. There is absolutely no need to go into detail about either of my parents or minute details about my childhood: good or bad. They both love me very much and I have never once doubted that and I love them more each year as I “grow up” or at least try “growing up.” Yes, I have fears of abandonment just as my mom does because of the things she went through as a child. I have lived a life of fear that the people I love the most will leave or the fear that they do not love me. My accident and battle with chronic pain only magnified these fears but I am now at a place where I am trying hard to heal old wounds so that those fears can disappear once and for all and the cycle can end.
I have a lot to be grateful for and have had miracles happen in my life. However, there are a lot of old scars (the invisible ones) that still need to heal. We all have wounds that the bandages we use to cover them up will never work or heal them. What in your life makes you sad, fearful, angry, or depressed. And for once, I am not speaking of chronic pain. However, chronic pain does make all these emotions much more difficult to manage. So, what from your past has caused you to have these feelings of fear or sadness? It is never too late to heal our past and it can be fun. Anything we have buried deep down within us because it is too sad or scary to think about will come out in ways that you do not want them to. It gets exhausting being afraid, doesn’t it? Not to mention, it makes managing chronic pain ten times more difficult. It is okay to have wounds, we are human. If we did not have wounds, we would not be who we are or have had the lessons taught to us through pain. Everything can be healed, we just have to find the courage to face old wounds.