“When you acknowledge that there is nothing repulsive or unforgiveable, or shameful about yourself, it becomes easier to be that authentic person and feel like you’re living a less performed life.”
I wrote a post earlier in the week after a terrible night of pain, I wanted to share that experience with you all so you understand that I get it. Again, I cannot believe that used to be my life every hour of every day and my heart is literally feeling all of you that are in your darkest hours of chronic pain. How many times have you been called: crazy, dramatic, exaggerating everything, drama queen, weak, sick, or just a mess? Countless right? You are none of these things. This week has reminded me of just how awful chronic pain is, this is not a post to discourage any of you: quite the opposite. I live with chronic pain naturally. I put it on the back burner and it usually does not interfere with my happiness and life. But I think this is a test: I do not like tests. Multiple choice? Sign me up. Essay question? Rock out. Life tests really are not that fun yet very important in order to learn, grow, remember and find more strength than you ever knew you had. After that night and yes most of this week I remembered what that “pain” feels like. I do not know how I made it ten plus years living like that. Now, I am not ashamed of any of my mistakes or how I chose to find relief because I knew no differently. I want you all to remember that I will never judge any of you for how you choose to manage chronic pain because I am the last person to ever make judgement on anyone, much less those who have this invisible illness. You are not crazy, or drama, or weak: I promise. Your life may be a mess at the moment but I have yet to meet anyone with chronic pain that has not had some if not all their life be “messy.” I write this because no one has a right to judge you or say things about you when they have no idea what you are feeling. You may not see a person’s pain but it is there. Fear and faith have two things in common: both ask us to believe in something we cannot see. Chronic pain for most of you, myself included now is invisible except to hairdressers (scar on my had but tons of hair.)You are all the exact opposite of weak, drama, and crazy. You are strong as hell. This is not an easy job. Honestly managing chronic pain (my natural approach) could be a full time job. I guess that is why I see life so differently than most.
So, what the hell is up with the broken key seen above: It was the key that honestly broke my spirit that day. The day after I wrote this post, I decided to not resist the pain and just let it be and kept up with my management of chronic pain but stress and life changes and keys got in the way. It was one of those days that everything went wrong. I was still in “difficult day” mode, my three year old is going through a transition and I at moments feel like I just met her and want to scream: “Where is my Kayci?” I could name all the minute, little and big things that happened that day but really once this key broke half in the lock and well what you see above in my hand I just wanted to cry and cry and cry. It was really bad timing and usually would have said no big deal but I was totally focusing on the ego and my pain and well late for baseball practice for one of the boys I nanny for. The key in reality is no big deal and I do not want my daughter or any child to react the way I almost did (I waited until I was alone.) Teachable moment for the kids: accidents happen, not a big deal, everything works out. Which it does and yesterday met with a locksmith and all good. However, once I got home from the broken key I started that overthinking that led me to think everything was falling apart. I felt like a failure. I felt as if I had failed my management of chronic pain, people were angry with me, no one understood what I was feeling, I disappointed my daughter, I felt guilt and once my brain started thinking and thinking I lost my true self. However, I came back quickly. Years ago I would have stayed in that place of pain and self hatred for days, weeks, and months. I am doing the best I can.
Act the way you want to feel today because I need to. My overthinking has led me astray from my true self. Keys break, people fall, and chronic pain stays but I do not let it take over my life. A few nights compared to years is nothing. Why are we so hard on ourselves or allow other’s people opinions affect our true selves? Life is such a journey: chronic pain or no chronic pain.
At any point in your day (not life, day) you have the power to say: this is not how my day is going to be. I have the power and strength I need to turn this ship around.