“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry. Their passions a quotation.”
How many thoughts do you have about yourself and your life choices that are truly your own? We are born and we are all raised in completely different environments and worlds than one another. During our formative years we are taught “who we are.” The only example I can give is how I speak to Kayci, which ninety percent of the time is positive except when I have a mommy moment and I use words to express my frustration that she does not truly understand nor should she as I do not. However, she is told by everyone she knows well or meets how beautiful, kind, smart, funny, social, great kid that she is. This is a good thing but many of us are not told these things at a young age and are born into a world where the only things we here during our formative years and beyond are negative: we continue to live this way ending up in self hatred and believing the world is against us. We do not know who we are, we only go by the opinions of the one’s we love and what either our loved ones, family, or society has taught us to do. Most of us never follow our passions or dreams because of the opinions of others. This is madness. We wonder why there is still so much hate and sadness in our world.
People with chronic pain: whether it be from a bike accident, Fibro, CRPS, or many times unknown (the worst) literally live a life that not only is heart wrenching and many times miserable but also a life where we never truly know who we are because all we know is pain and we are too damn tired to come up with our own opinions and passions so we listen to those we love and live by the opinions of others. I do not know if I had self love pre-bike accident/pre chronic pain but I believe my world was filled with too much chaos to truly understand anything. I was told by the ones I loved totally different things. I literally lived two separate lives. I just wrote this in my previous post but yes my dream and dream job/passion was to be a mother and have a family. However, the opinions of society told me I had to be more (which in the world we live in today is true.) Senior year of high school I was asked what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, I still was not old enough to drive or vote but hell ok let me make the biggest decision I have yet to make in my seventeen years on this planet. I loved/love children more than anything so chose to major in education. In reality my chronic pain was so unmanageable that I should not have made any decision that had anything other to do with my health. But, I wanted to please people and I wanted to be “normal.” I did not want to be the girl who had brain surgery and had some random invisible illness called chronic pain. I led my life by the opinions of doctors, my loved ones, friends, and society. A surgeon said: “Ok, Jessica I have the cure to end this misery for you. It will not be easy and quite painful but it will ease your pain tremendously.” Before he was even able to tell me what the procedure was I said: “yes!” The procedure was cutting never endings off inside my face as I was forced to be awake to tell them where I could feel certain things. Did the procedure work? I do not need to answer that, obviously no. Did I do it again? Yup. That was just one of the hundreds of things I had done to me to ease pain but I do not forget any of them. You know the rest, my search for the cure to chronic pain did not end for many years not until I truly wanted to end my life, and came pretty damn close to it.
So, here I am: living, managing pain naturally and yes the pain is there and yes sometimes it can be very difficult to deal with especially under tremendous stress but I am (33 years later) finally listening to my heart and my intuition and doing what I know is right for me and in turn for the ones I love. I am learning to let go of the guilt that serves no purpose. I live a life most do not understand but most, if not all of those do not live with chronic pain nor have any idea how much work and dedication it takes to manage it naturally. I have found self love which is one of the greatest gifts one can have: if I can anyone can…..you have no idea. It is a beautiful thing to be able to go to sleep each night knowing I am doing the best I can and am finally proud of myself. I was with someone I care for deeply yesterday morning and I said: “I love being a writer. I mean, I am not a writer but you know what I mean.” She said very straight forward: “Jessica, you are a writer. This is what you were meant to do. No, you are not getting paid for it, yet but you are a writer.” Many people have negative opinions about me and how I live and many perceptions are skewed however, I am working very diligently to not allow the opinions of others affect who I am or what I know is right for myself and for the ones I love. One could be told ten positive things about themselves from another and yet he or she will focus solely on the one negative thing that was said. Why? Because the bad stuff is easier to believe, because most of us do not truly know nor love ourselves.
John Candy says in the movie: “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” : “I like me, my customers like me, my wife likes me. Because I am the real deal. What you see is what you get.”
Wherever you are in your path with chronic pain or any invisible illness please try as hard as you possibly can to not allow the opinions, words, or anything said to you negatively affect you. You have chronic pain. You know who you are. People are most likely not going to understand what you feel and I am very sad to say but most will not be kind because when something is not visible people come up with their own opinions, which are theirs and completely not true. Reach out to people who are going through what you are. Write a comment on here, email me: I will respond.
“Nothing is impossible. The word itself says I’m Possible.”