“Isn’t it funny how day to day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different….”
A week from tomorrow I will be thirty four, oddly getting older does not bother me but for some reason when people say: “Oh My Gosh, Kayci is now three! She is such a real person now” I want to slow down time and looking at this photo collage one of my greatest friends made reminds me of how tiny she was and “easy” and I remember thinking: “Oh please, just stay this age for a long time, I want to hold you like this forever.” I was thirty one in this picture, three years have now passed and it still amazes me that nothing I plan comes to fruition as I believe it to become but in a totally different way, shape and form. Probably why when one is trying to not get pregnant: she gets pregnant but when you are trying and trying to get pregnant it becomes an almost impossibility for so many. I am finally getting to a point where I realize I need to just stop visualizing my future, planning exactly how it will be, and just let go. I swear every plan I have ever made has not gone as I had thought but that actually turned out to be a blessing. It is no wonder we should all live in the present moment.
For those of you who are new to my website I will quickly explain my “one liner” journal. I wish I had began this before 2011 but wow what an inspiring, amazing journal to keep that takes two minutes tops of my time. My birthday is June Seventh so I just flipped in this 365 page notebook to June 7th. I am a visual person so I am just going to copy what my one liner journal looks like.
2011: Happy 30th Birthday! I awoke to a beach chair decorated and a princess crown. Next year I will be a mother on my birthday yay! Dad and I went to Ocean City to read and swim for the day. I ate my favorite: Mac and Mancos, funnel cake, and ice cream (its my day I can be unhealthy with food for a day , plus I’m pregnant! I had such a fun lad back night and receoved a [oml watch/heart rate monitor for working out while pregnant. Amazing birthday!
2012: Birthday sucks. I practiced yoga in the mornig with my little angel baby watching me. La La is declining quickly and wow I can handle this in social work but not with La La. She is coming home today and hospice. I want to go back in time. I miss her. Lindsay took me for a long walk with Kayci to talk and clear my head, Sarah brought me soup and talked to me about La. My mom, Jay, and Linds came over for dinner. Hightlight of day was witnessing Kayci laugh for the first time.
2013 Happy thirty second birhday. Kayci woke me up at four in the morning. I then realized I was having a miscarriage (I was warned/prepared) but it still breaks my heart. I was so excited and even planned to get pregnant this year. I saw a quote that said “A year from now you will wish you started today.” That is what I am going to do. Made an inspiration board , getting totally back on track with managing chronic pain. Cannot believe I allowed myself to say yes to pain medicine at the doctor’s office months ago. I had come so far. Cancelled all doctor appointments regading pain and decided to make a fresh start. I’m very proud of myself: best gift could have received.
2014: I woke up at four am (shocker) worked out and wrote a blog post that took almost two hours. I hope I am making a differnce. I got myself a pedicure, a luxery which pre-motherhood was a standard. Kayci and I spent the day at the pool. Had a small dinner here, was just not a birthday to remember. Or, maybe I’m getting old haha.
Well, that is a one liner journal. It shows how much can change in a year. Reading February 2nd, my daughter’s birthday page is bone chilling. 2/2/2011 had a DNC and lost a son. 2/2/2012 Kayci was born: she would never had been here had it not been for that tragic experience. One liner journals show me where I was, where I am, and reminds me of what I most need in my life to be at peace, happy, and most importantly how I manage chronic pain. It really is crazy how much can change in a year hence why I love that quote: “A year from today you will wish you started today.” My second miscarriage in 2013 changed me for the better but I could not see that at the time. Have not and will not go back to a doctor regarding chronic pain nor take pain medication.
I honestly do urge anyone/everyone to keep a one-liner journal (my dad made it up, he is awesome.) He has one for me that he started when I was a young teen. That will definitely show me what can change in a year. Stop making plans and obsessing about them such as: finding a cure to chroncic pain, getting married by age 30, getting the perfect job, having four kids and not one less, losing thirty pounds by such date etc. The goals and dreams you have in life will come to fruition, look at my story. No one would believe it twelve years ago. Not one thing I planned came true but as soon as I started taking care of myself and focusing on changing myself I began to live and slowly those goals/plans/dreams started coming true: totally not how I saw them to come true but it just happens. Chronic pain causes enough fear, anxiety, depression, stress, loss, confusion, etc: all things that increase your pain. Stop obsessing or dwelling on the future: pointless. Focus on you, where you are today. Why are you going to obsess or worry about something that probably will not happen or at least now how you thought it would. You do not need more to worry about or more pain. Things take time. Trust the journey and I really promise you once you align yourself with the Universe and begin taking care of you and following your inner wisdom: your dreams will begin to come true.
“Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery. Today is a gift, tis why we call it the present.”