“I didn’t change. I just woke up.”
I have shared with you my ‘one liner journal’ before and I am about to do so again. Clearly, I love writing. I love journaling, writing stories but most of sharing with the world my inspirational story regarding finding happiness and life despite chronic pain. I have no idea how or when but I do intend to turn No One Gets Flowers For Chronic Pain into something much larger reaching as many people as possible who are literally dying inside from their invisible illness. This is an epidemic and it is surely not limited to the United States. I receive emails from the UK, Australia, Brazil, Ireland, and unique places I have never heard of in Africa. Pain is everywhere, although it is treated very different pending on cultures, beliefs, and where one is in their journey with chronic pain. I would not have given any thought to acceptance or discontinue my search for a cure had it been fifteen years ago. We are all different and yet so alike: sharing an invisible illness especially something as heartbreaking as chronic pain is one of the biggest commonalities I can think of regarding cultures, beliefs, monetary statues, race, age, gender, etc. Pain is pain and as John Greene says: “That is the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.” We worry too much and as a society we worry about literally EVERY DAMN THING. It is so ridiculous and yet logically we all know this to be true but we allow our minds to take over, usually with no clue we are doing so. Here comes in the one liner journal. I have a huge notebook with three hundred and sixty five pages in it. On the top of each page is the date and on the left hand side is the year. I am using my birthday: June Seventh as an example of a one liner journal just to share with you how much can change in a year.
2011: Happy 30th birthday to me! I awoke to beach chairs and balloons and a princess crown: guess my dad is taking me to the beach this week! Gym: protein shake shot for birthday (so much more gratifying than having a shot of Vodka to bring in my thirties!) K got me amazing presents: so thoughtful. Beach: Mac and Manco’s, Funnel Cake, Ice Cream Cake (cheat day…hello I’m PREGNANT!!!!) Work out clothes, pink watch with heart monitor for baby while exercising. Fun and laughs!
2012: Birthday Sucks, probably because going to pain doctor on my birthday! Augh, wish I never went back to not managing pain naturally. This is hell. Brought baby Kayci to appointment: waiting forever in waiting room. Spent time with La La. I cannot believe this will be my last birthday with her with me. My dad put balloons all around Kayci’s crib and decorated: day got better. Sarah brought me soup, Lindsay came over and we took a long walk with my little one. Kayci had her first real laugh. Amazing moment.
2013: Happy 32nd birthday! Kayci woke me up at four am (shocking.) Miscarriage not easy: cancelled all upcoming doctor appointments regarding pain. My present to myself: managing pain naturally and loving myself again. Made an inspiration board for our bedroom (bizarre still we bought La La’s house and her room is now ours, miss her.) Khris got me balloons, flowers, and the nicest card I have eve gotten. Linds got me a gift certificate to yoga classes. Had Wegmans prepared meals with my dad, mom, Jay, Alecia, brother, Lindsay, Khris, and obvs Kayci. Best birthday of my life despite miscarriage. I am so proud of myself and feel good again. No more pain medicine! Hey, maybe I’ll start writing again.
2014: Woke up 4am to exercise and write a post. I got myself a pedicure before taking Kayci to the pool for the day. Laid back dinner at home mixed in with some Big Brother. Nothing spectacular but that is ok.
2015: Probably the worst birthday of my life. Never felt so alone and sad. Maybe my expectations are too high, I just love birthdays so much. Next year will be better.
If I knew on June Seventh, 2015 jut how much better things would get I probably would have enjoyed my birthday a lot more. It is shocking to me how much has changed since June: Shocking! And it started from within. I wasn’t happy with choices I had made, I was in a bad place and now I feel good about myself and it has manifested on the outside as well. I am back to me. I’m not sure I have ever changed because I have always had my core self. I have always been loving, empathetic, silly, funny, and outspoken. My behaviors have changed and in turn that has either helped me gain the above characteristics back or has pushed them down to non-existence. I am very awake now: probably more than ever. I have leaned so much about life, family, health and what truly matters in the past year. I love myself and when I look at my one liner journal each day I am shocked at how much better my life is when I am doing what my inner voice knows I should be doing. It is a great reminder to me that my dreams will continue to come true and a reminder that everything changes: nothing stays the same.