“Someone once asked me, “Why do you always insist on taking the hard road?”
I replied: “Why do you assume I see two roads?”
I had a dream two nights ago that was turned into a nightmare. it was one of those terrible dreams that you awake from in a cold sweat, breathe, and fall back asleep. Except, once you fall back asleep you are right back in the same dream. By three in the morning I could no longer take this nightmare and got up and started my routine for chronic pain which is not just my routine for life. So, what was this horrific nightmare that would not end? Most people would think someone dying, or being chased, or falling except never hitting the ground: wrong, wrong and wrong. My never ending nightmare was in a waiting room awaiting to see a pain doctor as I had ran out of pain medication early and was scared to death. I felt terrible for myself, hated myself, was beyond scared that the doctor would not help me, and ashamed because my dad had to see me in such a state years after I had managed chronic pain so well without medication. This was a true nightmare: shaking, sweating: almost like going through with drawl. *Note to self: stop watching the show Intervention before you fall asleep! This nightmare used to be my life every single day. I realized later in the day that I really lost years and years of my life searching for a cure, waiting in doctor’s offices, recovering from un-needed surgeries, praying a magic pill would take away the pain and living in a bad dream: merely surviving as I had no life. This is why I chose to take the: “hard road.”
It has been over ten years since I accepted chronic pain as chronic pain and lived the lifestyle I live in order to manage chronic pain and although there have been bumps in the road, I always landed back on my feet quickly and took what most people call the: “hard road” to managing chronic pain. It is odd, not that I am sharing my story with the world, people who know me suggest things they have heard of for helping people with chronic pain such as: acupuncture, tai massage, brand new essential oils everyone is trying. I took the hard road twelve years ago and that was the only road that ever helped me. I stopped searching for any cure or help for chronic pain, I accepted it, and I follow a routine that works to manage pain. If it isn’t broke, I am sure as hell not going to fix it. Not to mention, I have done acupuncture, massage, oils, even been hypnotized several times in hopes of relieving pain. Turns out these also became pain behaviors because each time I tried something new, whether a something major like surgery or something ‘easy’ like acupuncture my hopes would go up, my mind only thought about pain and when it did not help I fell back into the pain cycle. Pain, Denial, Fear, Depression, Anxiety, Pain, Denial, Fear, Depression: On and On and On.
So which is the “hard road?” Here is how I see it having done ten plus years taking medications, searching for cures and or relief and trying everything and anything possible to relieve pain. Those ten plus years were the worst years of my entire life but I understand why I lived them as I did. Who wants to accept chronic pain? We have been to the moon and back and science improves every second: surely there has to be a cure somewhere? Maybe I need to go to a different country? Maybe Guam has a magic herb or cure that Americans have yet to hear of? I get why lived as I did and how many of you do. However, once I did accept chronic pain and was taught how to manage it naturally and fully commit my life to health, wellness, and trained my brain to not think about pain I began living: I no longer was in survival mode, I was/am truly living and happy. The first year or two of learning/practicing how to manage chronic pain naturally was a hard ass road but nothing was worse than what my recurring nightmare was about the other night. Some say I took the hard road and maybe this is true. However I would take this road every time as opposed to the road I used for ten, twelve years allowing pain to destroy my life and my dreams. Yes, it is still hard at times but I am happy. I am healthy, my dreams are coming true, I am living a life I proud of and I never have to live the nightmare that was once my life.